Friday, 22 January 2016

Work and life worries | Very long post

Hello lovelies,
I wanted to write quite a chatty post about my thoughts I've had about my job. This is also going to be a very deep post because as I just edited it I added more. I cried while I wrote some of it, because I talk about my worries about what the people at work think of me, I also explain why I worry as well. Most of you know but if your new here, let me explain a little about what I do. I work in a supermarket cafe which is fun....sometimes. My job title is cafe assistant whereas I would say my title is more life every ones bitch. I'm not complaining because I know some people can't get a job. Its hard and I'm lucky that I have this one. I did a post about working in retail at Christmas. You can see that here. There's so many things about work that have been stressing me out like the job in general and what the people I work with actually think of me.

I think people assume that the staff that work in retail don't work hard. Serving customers every single day is mentally draining, for me anyway. I may seem to other people really confident and chatty but I get social anxiety and the thought of talking to people, I don't know it scares me. It doesn't help when customers are rude. I have to stand there and take all the shit they say to me and I am powerless because the day I tell them them F off is the day I'd be fired. Some customers are really nice but its like all the challenging customer come into the store in a group and just don't stop. 

Its just draining. Now I know that people who work in retail will get this more but when you do a job everyday that's just to help you get by, well its challenging. Some people love it and that's great. I wish this was my dream job because its what I'm doing. Its not my dream because as most of you know, I want to be a writer. I would love for this blog to make money so I can do it full time, sadly I know that I am just a drop in the ocean where blogging's concerned. It won't ever happen. I just don't really have a back up plan.

I'm fortunate that in both jobs I've had, I've got the privilege to work with some great people. In the job I'm in now I feel like I prefer it because I love the people more. I guess there's just more of us so its nice to have that social aspect. I like to act like I go out and do stuff when the truth is, I only see people at work and the only other people I see are my family. I'm a lonely person and I'm okay with that. Recently I've been doubting myself a lot. I'm worried about what people think of me at work. I know its silly but I don't trust a lot of people and I've been like this ever since I was about 14. My so called best friends at school basically just bullied me and it wasn't until I left school that I realised that's what they'd been doing. I trusted them and was really close with them. I doubt myself constantly about what people actually think of me because of how they were with me. It takes me so long to just be me in front of people but I know being me isn't good enough, I don't think it ever will be.

Being at work I have to put a constant smile across my face even when I feel like bursting into tears. I can't show them how damaged I am. I have had people judge me all my life and it scared me. It still scares me now but I just smile through it all the while my minds telling me stuff I don't want to hear.  I'm around them most of the time and I really love everyone I work with but theres always that part of me that wonders what they actually think of me. I know I'm annoying and I know that I do things that other people might see as weird but that's me. I can't change who I am so I worry constantly that I'm being judged for it. My sister tells be how strange I am and how she thinks things I do are weird. Is that just her opinion or does everyone around me think the same?

Every time I do a late shift I normally have to sweep, don't worry this is going somewhere. When I get to the end of the seating are I just take a minute to see what I'm doing. I'm sweeping up other peoples mess. I watch people go around the store and I just wonder what they do. Does that guy work up in London? Do you recon she's got her own home? All I think is what am I doing. In no way am I saying its a bad job but I don't think I would want to be there if I didn't have people I liked there. To me you either love your job but hate the people you work with, or you hate the job but the love the people you work with.

I love nearly everyone that's in my department but they're are people who I sort of need to see to just get me through the week and to keep my sanity. That sounds really stupid but they're the people who I laugh the most with and the ones who I feel most comfortable with. That sounds like I have favourites, I don't have favourites but some people have different effects on me. Like when I see one lady in particular at work I know that with one hug, I'll feel fine for the rest of the shift and I know I can have a good laugh for the rest of the day. Two of the women mummy me a lot and I love it. They mummy me knowing what I can be like, which is an odd girl full of weird vegetable puns and awkward sexual humour.

Someone else who I look forward to seeing is basically my sanity in that place. Someone who I can be odd around. Basically I can be me and I can get into deep conversations. Its also someone who I feel like I annoy a lot but she's just to polite to say. What can I say? Your my type of person and for some reason you haven't told me to go away yet. I'm like a stray puppy and I just sort of find people and I'm like yeah I like you, I'll stick with you. Someone else I like to see is someone who well, could you say they work. Probably not but I don't know, its nice to chat to someone near my own age. Also this probably sounds really bad but if this person in....I don't have to do this till. I will do it but I always get my way and they do it. That might actually be the reason I like to see them.....That sounds quite bad but they are quite fun to work with and don't judge my awful voice when they've caught me singing Adele behind the dishwasher. Also if you put these two on a late shift with me I guarantee we will be out on time and we'll have a good laugh.

Another lady is so sweet with me, yes I do get the occasional lecture about getting a new job and how I can't stay there for the rest of my life. I mean she did moan at me once for getting McDonald's on my break but I'm over that. She's just a really lovely women who I like to see because I can actually have really good chat with. The last person I love seeing is someone who swears an awful lot but she sort of inspires me a little. She has two jobs which she doesn't really like but still does them. She also is a very big lover of my cakes. I don't like to have favourite but I think its just because I'm drawn to those sorts of people.

Everyone I work with is really fun and as much as I moan about my job, they make it so much better. My job isn't stressful and its not hard but I find it difficult sometimes because I'm not doing something I love. I basically work there so I can say I have a job and so I can see all the people I work with. I just think that's the wrong reason, I like going to work to see people not to help customers or to have a fake smile on my face all day.

My issue is that I form attachments to people quickly. Its something I tried not to do this time. In this job. I did that in my last job and when one of the girls left, I was okay but the fun went a little. Then the second girl left and I just dealt with it. Then the third girl left and it was getting more and more difficult to actually want to be there. Yes there was a factor that made me stay but I left before they could. They still work there but I don't think I would have coped if I had stayed and they had left. I've formed a little attachment to everyone in my department for different reasons so I don't want to leave. But at some point lots of new people will come in and I realised that my whole life I'm going to watch people walk in and out of the job I'm in. They'll go to something better and I'll be there just wishing my life was more.

A few of these people have told me things that maybe I didn't want to hear. In the next year there's a chance that most of these people won't work with me anymore. That's okay but I think once you take the fun away from something it just turns to shit again. Well for me anyway. I don't want to leave because I know how lucky I am to have my job. At my interview I was given the job on the spot, something I've been told doesn't happen that often. In my interview I had to sell the lovely women interviewing me a piece of fruit. For some reason she liked my pitch about strawberry's and before I knew it I was in the uniform, the supermarket uniform not a strawberry costume. I said yes straight away and didn't even think about it. I guess its hard to do a job that isn't the dream. Like I wouldn't leave if someone left because I know everyone there. I stress about meeting new people. I didn't think anyone in my department would even speak to me or like me. Luckily they're okay with the quirky human I am.

I will always work in retail because the chances of me becoming a full time blogger, writer or cupcake shop owner are very slim. I guess the point of this post was for me to put into perspective how I feel about work. In June I had the worst shift and I came home, I checked no one was in and I sat on my bed and I just cried. I cried and cried and cried and I couldn't stop. Everyone else that I went to school with is going out and having adventures. One boys in Paris at uni. The girls I used to class as friends have jobs they love because its what they want to do. Whens my adventure going to start? When will I get to go travelling? When will I have the dream job? I guess right now it looks like its not going to happen.

Being at work is so nice because I have some amazing people that I work with but I know that in the nicest way, they're not permanent people in my life. I wish they were. I know them from work and I love spending time with everyone I work with, well maybe not the dark lord (Nickname, if someone I knows reading this they'll know who I mean.). Truth be told, if one of them left I guarantee I wouldn't hear from them again and that gets to me a bit. The girls I used to work with don't even text anymore. I'm the first person to text because they just don't really care. Maybe it would be different but I know that you have your friend friends and your work friends. My mums always saying how I should go out and do stuff with everyone at work. I don't think she understands that the people I work with didn't have a choice to work with me, they got stuck with me. Why would we all go out and do stuff? We all have our own lives outside of the supermarket bubble that we work in. My sisters right. When you've work there for a while everything becomes focused around the job.

Another thing I'm really worrying about is seeing Adele. I'm going with my friend and her friend but I am so worried that he's going to judge me on what I look like and how I am. I know he won't and I didn't tell my friend this but it stresses me out. I'm looking forward to meeting him but again, my social anxiety will go through the roof when I see Adele. I'm less stressed about it because my friends going and he's her best friend. Shes told me about him and I know its going to be fine but I can't stop myself stressing. A lot of alcohol will need to be had before I even leave the house that day just to make me feel a little less stressed. Right also because I know my friend like a good stalk of my blog, she told me herself and I'm cool with that but this little message I'm writing in a moment is aimed at you. You know how excited I am about seeing Adele and I can't wait. I just get quite stressy when I meet new people, I know he's lovely and I'm sure we'll have a good laugh but its just something that I have with everyone new. Its nothing personal to him but everyone new stresses me out until I actually meet them, then I'm fine. I just need to let my oddness shine through and hope he doesn't think I'm to odd to go with you both to see Adele. If he does I'll just sit outside or something, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me.

I don't even know what the point of this post was. This is just the stresses about work, life and my future that I've been having lately. I haven't discussed this with anyone and I mean no one. Not even my friend and I tell her pretty much everything. So if the girl I work with is reading this, she clearly won't be because theres much better blogs out there, I hope you don't see this as weird. You know I love my job and I would happily do full time but you know as well as I do, this isn't the dream and I guess this has all been bubbling away inside my head. I just needed to get it all out like word vomit. In the end this post wasn't even really about work so I added life worries to the title. Well this post went way off from what it started out as. Basically everything that I've just written is whats been clogging up my brain for the past 6 months or so.

I know I'm lucky to have a job and I love it most days but that's why I've been so focused on my blog lately. I'm trying to build it up so that maybe, just maybe one day it could be my source of income. Well I'm going to end that post there. That was like a little therapy session for me actually and I feel so much better for sharing it. If you actually managed to stick around until this part then let me know in the comments.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx

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