Thursday, 14 January 2016

Letting go | I need time

Hello lovelies,
I spent the majority of yesterday just over thinking a lot. I've seen someone this week that I've wanted to see for over a year and it's just put me in the worst mood. There's a little thank you to my friend at the end of this post. She's my lovey friend from work who found my blog....then started her own. 

You should all go and check out her blog because it's amazing and I'm obsessed already. I will link it properly later but I'm writing form my iPhone, when I get back to my wonderful Mac I'll do proper links.

You all know about the guy I've been head over heels for and I'm not going to do a massive post about that again, I'm just going to tell you about something that happened yesterday which relates to him and what I've decided about the whole situation.

Now you were all the first to know about him because my blog is basically just like a big pond that I throw all my thoughts into. I told my friend about him. I don't know why because I only actually met her in April. I feel a bit bad telling her because she probably didn't really want to know.

She gave me the best advice and even though I cried while reading her text, I needed that to be able to start the process. She Said that maybe I just need time to get over him. I know she's right.

Over the last few months I've been pointing out every guy I see at work and saying how I'd like to date them. I've been looking for a distraction to try and keep my mind off of him. I just thought that if I could get a boyfriend then maybe I could get over him. What she said made sense because as hard as it it, I need time to just learn to live without him and Learn to live with the fact that I'm never going to be with him.

I'm glad she said I need time because I think I would have just dated someone for the hell of it. Yes it would be be nice to date someone but I want to know them, I want to feel the same (or near enough) as to how I felt around the other guy. I was worried that if I just dated someone for the hell of it then it wouldn't be special.

Dating someone normally leads to sex and as cheesy as it sounds, I want my first time to be with someone special. Someone I can trust and who I love. To me I know that sex is a part of a relationship but I think I would have rushed into it with someone to try and make a relationship work, it wouldn't be special because I know I wouldn't feel the same about them. 

I know it's weird that this post went into sex but at work I will laugh and joke with the same girl about it. I have a bit of a dirty mind at times and while it's fun I know that it's also not something that needs to be joked about. 

It's going to take more time to get over him. I know that now but it just hurts. I honestly thought that I'd be over him. I form attachments to people very easily if I'm with them, I thought that maybe because I used to see them everyday it just made it harder. 

I've seen so many cute guys at work who I thought I would have attached myself to. Not physically because that would be a bit weird but I thought I'd forget about him and just fancy someone else. I spent so long devoted to him. I'd planned my life with him and I can't get over that because I'm worried I won't have that with anyone else, I'm just sort of clinging onto it because what I'd planned with him was all I've ever wanted.

I do like guys at work, they are cute and have really nice personality's. I wish I felt this way with them then at least it wouldn't be him. I'm quite guarded around men now because I worry that if I get to close with them then I'll start feeling the same way and feelings will start to develop. I will admit that there are guys at work who are pretty cute. 

I don't fancy them but they're really funny to chat to. Again I don't fancy them before your mind wanders, it's just nice to chat to a guy without wanting it to be more but the conversation being similar to how I would laugh and joke with him. That's why if I'm doing a shift just me and another guy.....I find it hard to just start a conversation because I'm scared. 

The conversation wouldn't end between me and him and I miss it. I just find it hard talking to men because if I had a choice, I wouldn't be there with them. I'd be with him having chats about doctor who, writing and just plans that I have for the future. He made me feel like I could achieve anything and that's what I'm most thankful for. He gave me the drive to go out and try and achieve my dreams, I even started writing a book. I got halfway through and I can't wait to go home and Finnish it.

I'm ready to just take my time now and move on but I've got to allow myself time to get over him. I think I just needed someone to tell me that. 

So Shannon, thank you so much. I've only known you since April but I think of you as a friend now. Sorry if you weren't ready for that type of commitment yet but you've grown on me, haha. I know I tell you an awful lot and I'm really sorry if you get bored of me. It's just nice it have an irl person to talk to and to get advice from. 

Thanks for being my little agony aunt over the last few weeks. This week I've had a lot of thoughts come back to me which I had last year.....I was in an awful place mentally last year year but you've really helped me. When I've been on the verge of tears you've been on the end of your phone making me smile and just getting me out of my crappy mood. 

When I started working with you I honesty didn't think you would like me at all, I know I'm weird and that puts people off me. Luckily you stuck with the weirdness and now you know pretty much everything about me. 

I told you about him because I know I can trust you, you've made me see sense and have really helped me get through this. So thank you for sticking with my strange personality, providing me with funny sex puns, vegetable puns and being on hand to listen to my problems. I can't wait to go and see Adele where we will clearly be in floods of tears, your mate is going to regret me tagging along when he see's how strange I am haha.

I'm so happy that you found my blog. Know you can actually see the real me, part of me I hide at work because I'm scared that people will judge me. I can be happy, sad, angry and everything in between online and I'm also really happy the you are keeping my little secret. 

To him:
It's going to be hard but I'll get there one day. I didn't ask to fall for you but I did and I can't change that. Right now in my life I feel like Boo's door. I'm shredded into thousands of pieces, I'm broken and I'm hurting. All I want is a hug that can make me feel happy again. One day I hope someone will come along when I'm almost fixed and they'll have the extra piece that was needed. 

No matter how hard I try you will always be the guy I'd drop everything for but that doesn't mean I will. I would but if the day ever comes when you call or text, I just hope I can have fixed myself enough to ignore it. You were my hardest good bye and now I'm left to put the pieces of myself back together. I love you but this is me letting go of you. This should have been done a long time ago, I just didn't know what I needed then.

So that's that. Know you all know what's been going on. I'm still heartbroken, there's no doubt about that but one day everything's going to be okay. I know it.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx

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