Tuesday, 12 January 2016

It's not the same |

Hello lovelies,
Most of you know that I'm on holiday, you might have seen my tweets or instagram pictures. Anyway I needed to write this because I just feel a little lost.

I've been so excited for my holiday to center parcs. I've had a countdown on my phone and I've been talking about it non stop at work. Now when I go back to work I'll tell them how amazing it was because I think it's really special here. The issue is that it feels different. 

Now I know the girl from work knows about my blog but she's clearly not reading it, I mean it's nothing special so I'm not worried about posting this. At work they'll hear that I had a fantastic time because I think that's what they want to hear.

So it's just me and mum here and that's great. We're like pooh bear and Christopher Robin, me being pooh bear. But pooh will always miss piglet and as annoying as tigger can be....well he couldn't be without him. What I'm saying is that while it's nice to be here I'm missing my family. I didn't want my sister coming because of the way she's been. You all know why because I did a massive blog post about it a few weeks ago. I miss her. 

As much as she infuriates me sometimes, I want her here. When I was younger me, mum, dad, my sister, aunt, uncle and cousins would always come here. It would be chaos but we were always together and it's just not the same. It's to quiet. 

I love being away for the week, a change of scenery is what I've been craving. The air feels and smells different here. It's so calming just wandering around here. I went for a little walk earlier. Just me on my own. That's somethings I never do, I don't just go out for spontaneous walks by myself.

I was walking through the forest, trees towering over me. It made me feel so small and surrounded. I walking walking along, Big coat cuddled round me, my Disney back pack on and was just in my element. I looked like a fat Dora the explorer. Walking on crunchy leaves, taking in the air and just seeing nature everywhere. I had my earphones in playing somewhere only we know, my all time favourite song, I felt so peaceful but that's not what I wanted.

 When I'm on my own for to long I overthink and today all the bad thoughts that I had last year just came flooding back. Most days I'm that happiest person you could meet but sometimes it's like a lot of bad days attack me at one. I close down and just shut off from the world. I needed to be on my own today and I don't think it helped.

I got thinking about how I've been lately, I think I've been to annoying at work but they're all to polite to say so. Seeing a certain person didn't really help my mood this week. I went from being so happy to feeling all the heartbreak I went through. I need to go back to being quiet at work, I have such a laugh with the girl I work with but my sister says it's weird and I'm worried that people think that because I'm always on a constant buzz at work....I'm to weird. I have to be happy at work because I don't think it's fair if I'm sad, I can't be the one dragging everyone's mood down. I save my sad thoughts for home because that's where I can be alone.

I just feel like I've had to much time on my own today. It was lovely but I thought about so much. On my little lonely adventure I saw a certain person and just carried in walking. I didn't even want to see him, which is something I crave most days. 

I know that if my sister and the rest of my family were here it would be different because it would be like it was all those years ago. I guess this has taught me that no matter how much my sister annoys me, we can't live with each other but we can't live without each either. She's always been like my partner in crime growing up, we've just got a little lost lately and I know I need to work on my relationship with her as much as she need to do the same with me.

So I'm not having the best week but I'm making the most of my break away from work. I've been swimming which was fun. Even though as I walked in all the skinny girls were in there and I walked in like Shamu the whale. I'm just not happy with myself anymore and I need to make a change to both my physical and mental health. I'll be okay, I mean tomorrow I might go swimming in the evening. I'll be swimming under a dome that shows you the whole sky, under the stars like I used to do all those years ago. 

There's two things that cheered me up today. My friend sent me and avocado pun and I've started making plans with Lou. Yes that right, me and Lou are actually going to meet up in person. She's helped time through so much  and I can't wait to meet her and give her the worlds biggest hug.

I'll see you all tomorrow for my baking wish list post.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx