Tuesday, 29 December 2015

L.O.V.E. | Its complicated

Hello lovelies
So I just want to start by saying that this was actually schedule for valentines day 2016. I have had this saved in my drafts for about 8-9months and I wanted to finally post it to explain why I don't really like valentines day. After many chats with the girl at work I've decided that I need to let go of this person, its going to be hard for me but I want to be able to go into 2016 with optimism and hope that maybe I can find someone who feels the same about me. This is a very long winded post but I need this to stay in 2015 because I'm sick of all the heartache and next year I'm determined to focus on me and not be hung up on someone that just doesn't even care.. I share so much with all of you and the only person who has ever seen this is Lou and now its out there for all of you to see. This is going to be a very long post but this is a collection of everything that's been going round my head and a little something at the bottom which is what I would say to him if I could. Maybe this is to personal to share but I need to do it, you all support me with everything I do with my life and my blog so I feel like you have a right to see every part of me (NOT every part as in naked.......theres many things I would do but that is certainly not one of them.....glad we cleared that up haha.) even if that include telling you that bad and broken parts. I hope you all read this as me and just realise that what you may class as love could be completely different from mine. Well here goes....Wish me luck.....

For me love is something that I hadn't ever experienced. When I say love I mean in love with someone. It goes without saying that I love my family but the art of falling in love with someone is one that baffled me.

When were younger we are just born out of love into love. We are born with a natural affection for the people around us. A lot of people have been born into my little family and I can't remember a definitive moment where I grew to love them. The love just appeared and its stayed there ever since. Falling in love is a completely different matter. Although I've never been in a relationship, that doesn't mean I haven't been attracted to boys and had crushes on them. Growing up we think that every crush we have is love, we mistake our emotions of lust for love. I never really knew the difference between the two but now I do. I'm not in a relationship but its safe to say that I now have a very good understanding of love.

Love for me is like an addiction and I can't work out if that's a good or bad thing. Loving someone who doesn't know is hard because every part of you wants to tell that person, but your mind and your heart stops you. For whatever reason you can't tell that person how you feel, that won't stop you from loving them. Every waking moment will be spent thinking about them. Wondering what they're up to and just imaging a life that won't actually ever become a reality. I thought it was hard to fall in love with someone, the thought that you could just one day fall for someone confused me. When you meet someone who makes you laugh, makes you smile without saying a word, makes you feel beautiful without even realising it, well I feel like that was the moment that I fell and trust me I fell pretty hard. I fell in love and I still haven't been able to move past it. I Stumbled into this love and Ive been trying so hard to stop this feeling.

It hurts. It really does and I haven't told anyone because I just don't think I'll be taken seriously. To some I'm still a naive teenager but I know what I feel and its hard that I can't stop it. I can't stop dreaming of them, Ive tried but in my dreams its just playing the same scenario. My life with him the way I had planned so many times. First date, engagement, wedding, first home and first child. I know I'm crazy for imagining that but I'm a hopeless romantic and a part of me imagines scenarios like that because I know, deep down that I probably won't ever have any of that. I'm not in a position to meet someone and even if I was, who's going to want me. I'm nothing special but that one person who made me feel like all of that could be possible is just a figure of my imagination now. I can't help but indulge in these little dreams because theres a part of me that clings to that as a consolation prize for something I don't think I will ever have.

Love is many things, its exciting, its torture, its fun, its learning to love the things you once hated, its painful. The one thing I know is that unrequited love is the worst of all. Its painful but maybe one day it will get better. Maybe one day I'll meet someone who is all those things and more...but then again maybe its just another little dream that ill add to the collection.

Lou said "This is going to sound like the most shallow thing in the world, but I want to be found attractive. I know that my self-worth isn't measured by the opinion of others blah blah blah, but I'd like to be the object of someones affections, just once. I'd like to fall in love, with someone who loves me too. I want to be so deeply consumed in love that I can't see straight or think straight.". I don't think that's shallow at all, its shows that she's capable of letting someone else in. It shows that her heart has enough room for someone else and she just wants someone to feel like that for her.

Ive been through the exact same thing and I'm still going through that. Ive felt what Lou has felt, I know what its like to want to be loved. Ive had many crushes in my short time but when I met this one person, my god, my world seemed a little more complete than it had ever felt. It was like all my broken pieces magically glued themselves back together when I was around him. I loved him, I love him but its very hard to have those feelings when you know in your heart that they either can't or won't love you in that way. That's okay. I mean I never told him how I felt because to him, I was probably a very immature women who had no clue what she felt. It was weird for me though, I had never felt that way and its very difficult for me to stop feeling that way. 

Know I was chatting with the girl at work about men, not this man because its not really anything I want them to know because I don't want to seem really strange. I said that I find it funny how someone who looks like me can have such high standards in men, looks wise. Of course I don't judge people on appearance but its natural when you see someone who is good looking to like that. The man I fell for doesn't look anything like the men we chat about, he's gorgeous but in his own way. I think that grows with time, its certain things that create that perfection. A smile that just makes your whole world light up, a laugh that fills you with so much joy and a heart that's just so pure. With the girl at work I talk about men of course I do. We both have the same sort of humour and I'm not ashamed to admit that our friendship is basically based on our mutual love of mcfly, Disney, harry potter, inappropriate jokes and sexual puns. I love that I have someone who I can be really silly with but even though I've told her about him, I haven't gone into how I actually feel...I think she would see it as a bit weird even though I'm very strange anyway.

I want someone to love me, to find me attractive and to want to love me like I know I can love people. I'm just worried that that's not going to happen. I'm not the pretty girl, I'm not the skinny girl and I'm not the girl who goes out drinking and clubbing and the one who everyone wants to be with. I'm quirky, I'm plus size, I'm not a beauty but I'm not a beast. I'm me and I just want someone to notice that maybe I can be the one they fall in love with. The annoying thing is, the man I fell in love with made me feel beautiful, he made me feel like I was important, like I was worth something. I miss that feeling. He never said it but some people can just made you feel that way, in loving him I loved myself for a while. He's happy and that's what matters. As much as it kills me that its not with me, he's happy and I want him to be. Theres just so many what ifs, theres a part of me that thinks he could have loved me the way I love him....Just a small part. Its stupid living in what ifs but those what ifs are what keep me awake at night, the little scenarios in my head that I had created. 

Is that weird? It sounds it but have you ever wanted something to happen so much that you plan what it would be like if it did? Well that was what I did, I planned silly things like going out on a date, cuddling up on the sofa to watch TV, in my mind I had my future mapped out. Everything I have ever dream of is stored away in my mind and its just mine, part of me imagines scenarios like that because I know, deep down that I probably won't ever have any of that. I'm not in a position to meet someone and even if I was, who's going to want me. I'm nothing special but that one person who made me feel like all of that could be possible is just a figure of my imagination now. I can't help but indulge in these little dreams because theres a part of me that clings to that as a consolation prize for something I don't think I will ever have.

Why shouldn't we want to be found attractive? Why shouldn't we want to be love? I want someone who I can love with all my heart, who'll do the same for me and someone who I can move on with. My life's nothing to complain about but I'm broken, I feel like a bit of me's missing and I don't quite feel like me. I spend my life second guessing everything I do because I don't know if I'm the problem. I just want to meet someone who makes me feel like he made me feel, whenever I felt broken I had the knowledge that being around him fixed me a little. For a short while he made me feel fixed, like everything was going to be okay.

What do I want to say to him, well here it is. My heart written down for you all to see and probably giggle at. I just don't care anymore. In writing this I hope that I can maybe start to move on and just let go of this part of my life that is so bittersweet.

Dear you,
It's been over a year since we last spoke, over a year since I last saw you and I thought I'd be over you by now. You see, you didn't know but I loved you...but I never really stopped.

It may have been wrong for me to feel the way I do but from the moment we we spoke I could tell that you were different. I'd had plenty of crushes over the years but you were so different and I fell totally and madly in love with you. If you ever ready this then it might suddenly click into place why I left so suddenly.

Why didn't you tell me? You may be asking, well you had a girlfriend and still do. As much as I love you I would have never wanted to burden you with that, you wouldn't have felt the same but it would have made things so awkward. As much as it hurts me that I can't be with you, it's bittersweet. I'm heartbroken but I'm also happy for you. You love her how I love you, I love loving you and it must feel so special that you have someone who loves you back in the same way.

I know exactly why I love you and you're just someone I don't think I'll ever get over even though we were never together. You made me laugh, smile, saved me from myself and you made me feel beautiful. In loving you I loved myself for once in my life. I remember you said to me at work "if you feel like your drowning, call me and I'll save you". You were talking about work, you saved me in a completely different way. I fell in love with a man who was kind and considerate, a man who laughed at my unfunny jokes and could sent my heart into a flutter whenever I saw you.

There's one thing that bugs me after all this time. My whole head is full of what ifs. What if you hadn't had a girlfriend? Would there have been a chance for us? There's a small part of me that thought maybe you did like me. We got on so well. When I left you said it had been a pleasure and that you were sure you'd see me again, I agreed as if I would pop back every now and then. I haven't allowed myself to see you again, it breaks my heart that I love you because I know I'll never be with you. I couldn't go back now after all this time, I don't know what I'd do if I saw you again. If probably make some inappropriate joke that you'd laugh at and then we'd part ways again and then I'd probably burst into tears.

Since you've been gone I've been to a dark place that I never want to go to again, I've got a new job and made some incredible friends. I've fancied a few new men but none of them really compare. I'm trapped because I want to move on from how i feel for you but I can't let go of my what ifs. It's not like men are lining up to date me but I'm worried that if there's a situation where someone actually wants to date me, will they compare? Can I let go of everything I feel for you. Even though you never accepted it, my hearts yours and for now that's how it's staying...it's been so long that I don't really have a say in it anymore.

There it is. Every single thought that's been floating around my head for the last year and a half. I'm optimistic for the future, I know that I'll meet someone who will make all my dreams come true and maybe one day ill look back on this and just laugh at how silly it all was but for now there it is. I hope I haven't annoyed anyone with this post but you know me, I post a lot of crap on this blog so at this point literally anything goes on here, haha.

Well I know that was really long, this is just something that I've been putting off posting. If he ever sees this then I'm not even sorry anymore. No one knows at the minute who writes this blog and no names were mentioned, just know that if you ever find out who it is who writes this blog and you know your the one its about....Thank you. You made me realise that I had it in me to love so strongly and passionately, I just hope that in getting over you I can find a new happiness.

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx

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