Sunday, 18 October 2015

What am I doing? |

Hello lovelies,
I wanted to post this today because I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing anymore. My life just seems like such a blur at the minute. I'm either at work, blogging or spending time with my family. I love all these things but I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I feel like I'm working full time, which is silly because I work 16 hours a week. When I'm not at work I'm at home writing for my blog, which I love because its the one thing that I can devote hours to and not get bored.

Recently I have had the same question popping up in different conversations. My sister and a women from work have both had the concerned talk of "Well what are you going to do with your life, surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life in a supermarket cafe". I know they don't mean in it a rude way, I just feel like I'm not doing what I should be. I don't have the drive to work up in London in a high pressure job. They both asked what I love doing, for me that's baking and blogging. The probable with baking is that there's no money in it unless you are an amazing baker with a plethora of skills. I can't tell people that I would love to be a full time blogger. For most people that's just an unrealistic dream. My writing isn't good enough for me to do it full time and my blog is tiny compared to the big bloggers out there who have thousands of views each day.

I guess I'm just stuck at the minute of what my life is. I'm not really living it, that's an odd thought to realise that your not living but your existing. I'm happy with my job, sure its not the dream but I have a laugh at work. I get paid to do a pretty simple job, work with some really funny people and be polite to customers for 16 hours a week. I know that's not enough for most people but even though I don't get paid for it, I see my blog as my job. Its just a non profit blog (I like that) that I'm so proud of. I love how my life is plain and boring to people looking in from the outside. I love how after a really shit (Sorry for swearing) day at work, I come home and get into my snuggly pyjamas, light a candle and settle down to an evening of blogging.

I just feel like I'm letting my parents down. My sister has the goal of working full time in London and whenever she says about me working where I do. My parents always say "she's happy doing what she'd doing so just let her". I feel like the child that's just going nowhere in life and it makes me feel like they don't believe I could have a full time job in the city. They have no clue that I have this blog, I love that because this is my little hobby that just goes by un-noticed. I think I'm happy just plodding along doing what I'm doing, I would love to just blog full time and get paid millions a year but god knows that's not realistic.

I also feel like I'm really weird. I had my guinea pig out the other day and my sister just laughed. My animals mean a lot to me and I care about them. Yes I do have a voice for my guinea pig, I don't think that strange because I know people who give their pets voices. She said to me "My god you're just so...." and that where she stopped. She said she wasn't going to say what because it would upset me. Its been bugging me ever since she said it. I'm just so what? Its a strange little existence that I have but am I portraying myself to other people as some weird girl who's stuck in her own story. Sorry I know I'm rambling but I just needed to empty my mind of everything. 

What should I do? You all know what I want from life, I've told you all numerous times. I want to get married, have children and be happy. Is that to plain and simple, should I want more? I'm just a little puzzled now as to where people think my life should be going, what I should be doing and I'm doubting my life as it is an awful lot.

Oh well, I'm off to my little job where I will no doubt be spoken to like dirt. I'm off to have a laugh with the girls and boys at work, see you all later. Tell me your thoughts in the comments. Do you have people asking you the same question and how do you work it out?

Lots of love,
Chloe xxx

No comments:

Post a Comment