Thursday, 13 August 2015

I feel a little lost |

Hello lovelies 

So in the UK today most college students got their A-level results. If you have been reading this blog for a while you will know that I didn't go to college. I didn't know what I wanted to do so I didn't feel like I should spend two years doing a subject that I wasn't passionate about.

Today when I got home from work I started my social media binge for the evening. All my old school friends had been posting screen shots of their results and pages that said that they had got into their chosen uni's. It was the first time that I sat back and thought "Have a made a big mistake? Should I have gone to college and got my A-levels?" Now I never think about it. I know that I want to write and that's a big thing for me. I have found what I like and something that I could see myself doing for the rest of my life. As I sat scrolling through Facebook seeing that everyone got into their uni's I just felt like a failure. My old school friend has got a place at a university in Paris. Paris! My god that's amazing and he worked so hard to get to that stage.

I feel like I'm the one left behind. Everyone else is going to be starting their own big adventures to the rest of their life in September and then there's me. Plain old me. On the day everyone got their A-levels and got into uni, I got my permanent contract at work saying that I'm being kept on to do my 16hours a week. I'm not ungrateful. I know that some people would do anything for a job and I love my job. Its easy, its full of lovely funny people but I just feel like this is it for me. I'm going to be there forever. For me its not about money but I just feel like I'm going to just be working there for the foreseeable and I'm just stuck with all these crazy dreams in my head. 

I just feel a little lost right now. But maybe I'm not, maybe I'm just wondering through life finding my own way but I just don't know it yet. 

I sound like an ungrateful brat right now but I'm just feeling like every thought I have comes far to late. If Id have know two years ago that I wanted to be a writer I could have an A-level in English literature and language. I would be going off to uni to do a creative writing course and many an English literature course. Id be starting a whole new adventure and meeting some incredible people on the way, but instead I'm here. I'm telling the world my problems once again. 

Does anyone else get where I'm coming from. My mum keeps saying how when I know what I want to do, I can go and do college classes to get my A-levels and I could still go to uni. I'm probably be stupid. After all not all who wonder are lost Maybe I'm still finding my way. I just had all these plans. I wanted to be in my dream job, meet the love of my life, have children and be living in the dream home in Devon overlooking the see writing my next novel. At my work I can't meet the man of my dreams so I feel like my decisions are setting a path for the future that I can't get stuck on. I don't want to be 50 sitting alone after a 16 hour week, still living with my 80 year old parents surrounded by guinea pigs (I'm like a mad cat lady but with guinea pigs). 

I just need a little reassurance that everything thing will be okay, but the truth is I just don't know if it can be. Any way I just want to say that I hope everyone got the results they wanted. Even if you didn't, I'm sure you tried your best and that's all that matters. I wish you all the best of luck with your futures.

Lots of love,
Chloe xx

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