Tuesday, 5 May 2015

Deleteing the old me |


From the title of this post you might be a little confused. Basically I wanted to write about how I'm slowly but surely deleting my old life. When I say old life I don't mean I'm in witness protection or anything, I just mean I'm deleting the things that keep me connected in some way to people that don't make me happy.

So this week I met up with a girl from school. She is a really sweet girl and we used to be friends, I'd walk to school with her and we were in the same form. Now I didn't really know what to expect from meeting up with her. I have met some great people through work who, even though I don't work with now, I still talk to on a regular basis. I haven't kept in contact with people from school because when I was at school they all made me feel so insecure. All those feelings came flooding back, they girl I met was always really nice to me but just being with someone that was connected to a time where I had those anxiety's made me feel like I was back there.

 Now I don't regret my time at school but I've moved on with my life and it was just really awkward. I guess you come to realise that the people at school who you see everyday are sometimes nothing more than associates. I like it that way. Since leaving school I think I've become a better person, I can speak my mind and be as quirky and me as I like. School held me back from being myself but this blog has pushed me to embraced what and who I am.

Now I deleted my twitter account, not the one I use for this blog but my personal twitter. I never use it to tweet but its the one I started with and I have people from school on there. If you follow me on twitter then you will know that I tweet a lot of my nonsense on there. I used to go on my old account to just see what people were up to, this is never a good idea. People that used to hate each other are now best friends, the people that used to take the p*ss out of me are on there doing the same to people they don't even know. I think that since I left school I have done a lot of growing up and realised that I don't want to have any connection with them because they were the people that made me feel so insecure.

Now facebook is something that I cant just delete, theres always an option to come back and I always find myself on there. In a way these people still have some sort of hold over me, yet there going along in life like things they said to me didn't matter. I know that it shouldnt still matter to me but it does. I want to break away from facebook because I just get frustrated and annoyed at the annoying posts about how lucky people are to have such an amazing best friend, when at one point not so long ago they despised each other. To me that just doesn't work, I know I hold grudges and that's something I shouldn't do. Its just hard to see a whole time line of two faced people.

The other reason I find it hard to get of facebook is because I still talk to some people, not a lot but its still the only way I can talk to my friend who is probably the sweetest girl in the world. We haven't spoken in months but to me she is still someone I could talk to for hours. We have known each other since primary school and its nice to know that I still have a way to chat to her.

My plan is to just have facebook messenger so that I can still chat to people I want to, but I don't have to see the petty squabbles on my time line. To me, the old me was the unhappy girl at school who was teased by not only people that just didn't like me, but also by the people I called my best friends. The old me was weak, I didn't know my own mind and I certainly didn't have the confidence to do this. Its a slow process but deleting this part of my life means that I cant dwell on the past. This quote is one that really speaks to me, "Never let the past spoil your present or govern your future". I cant let my old life spoil my future. I need to detach myself from going back to it. By using twitter and facebook I'm still hearing from people that made me unhappy and as horrible as this is, their happiness makes me annoyed. I cant let what people said or did to me be part of my future.  Their just a small chapter in my story now and god am to turn the page and start a new chapter.

Bye for now xxx

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