Monday, 19 January 2015

It's worse than I thought |

Hello

It's the last day of my holiday and I still haven't been in the pool. So basically today I will be doing a bit of a weird post, I'm currently on holiday at center parcs and have literally just this second realised how conscious I am about my body. I have always had the attitude of not caring what people think about me, which is weird considering I think people are constantly judging me for my appearance. I guess it was never clear to me just how much I hate my body. I'm happy the weight I am which sounds contradictory but it's not my weight that bothers me, it's that I can't find nice swimsuit to wear that hide the wobbly bits I dislike on my body, it's that I have to get men's swim shorts which aren't fitted like women's so they then look like parachute on my theighs.

I have just come out of a changing room feeling like I was going to burst into tears if people saw me which is something I have never done. I've never felt that self conscious. I don't feel like me anymore, I have been the weight I am now for a while and it's just sort of grown on me quite literally as well as being part of my mental state. For so long I have accepted the way I look but I today I just didn't feel like me. If I had a really nice pair of women's swim trunks then I think I would have felt more confident. The womens swim trunks I saw a few weeks a ago were £30 which to me is a ridiculous price to pay for something I won't wear a lot. It annoys me that clothes for plus size ranges are way over priced, I mean there's not that much more material and the cost of material can't be that much. I understand a slightly higher price but it seems like they double te price of the clothes.

I'm sorry for this post but to be honest I'm just feeling down, I'm not feeling me and that's something I want to feel again. 

Bye for now xxx