Hello again,

Lately life seems like I can’t keep up. Everything has been getting to me. The past seems like it’s right here, just looming over me and I can’t shake it.I’ve ruined something amazing, it saddens me to say that but it’s true. I could lie and say I’m fine, I could lie and say I have been fine lately but I haven’t. My mind isn’t what it used to be. The insecurities have risen lately and things haven’t been easy. 

I wanted to get some help. But that means admitting that I have a problem. It means admitting to a stranger your darkest fears that live in your head. Truth be told, I don’t feel much anymore. Apart from things like love. I know I love people but I don’t feel happy, sad, angry or content. I feel numb. This might be a a bit too much for some readers so this will contain talk about self harm. Those who do not feel comfortable reading about it, that’s okay but just click onto another page. 

To some people self harm seems stupid, it seems pointless and they see it as a cry for attention. For me, it helps. It shouldn’t and no one should ever see this as a way. You should seek help if things get that bad. I just want to draw on my own experience as a way of maybe trying to get better. Anyway, for me it’s my own silent way to deal with things. I know if I say I’m having a really bad day where all my insecurities are really high, no one really cares. They brush it off. Days like that is where I just need someone to tell me it’s okay. To reassure me. I think people just see it as hard work, which it is. I wouldn’t want to be constantly reassuring someone if I didn’t understand it. 

I will admit now something that maybe I haven’t before. Something I’m not proud of and I wanted buried but I think to start moving on, I need to talk about it. A few years ago, before Charlie I must stress. I was hung up on someone, looking back I really don’t know why and that’s a bit odd. I had the chance, well I was told to be with this person but although nothing ever happened. I will also stress that part, they were with someone. I was taking to this person even though I knew that. I was single at the time but that is no excuse. Now this is coming back to bite me on the arse because I’m so insecure that someone would do that to me. Karma really is a bitch. I say I did nothing wrong but I did. I shouldn’t have even replied to the first message because I knew for me it was harmless but for someone else it wouldn’t be hurtful. Nothing ever happened but it’s had a domino effect for me. I’m now a wreck constantly worrying that someone will do that to me. I know Charlie never would, he’s a diamond and for some reason sticks by me when I’m having a crazy days like today. 

Right now I feel so alone. I’m sat in my room, looking at everything I have to do and it’s making me go slightly mad. Whilst my heart is breaking at the mess I’ve become I also feel, well I feel empty. I feel alone in a world full of people who love me. I ruin things that mean the world to me. I feel like I’m losing someone who makes me happiest because of how I am. But how do you delve into the part of your past you want to forgot to explain why you’re like this. This isn’t an easy task and I am ashamed. 

I know full well no one is reading this but in some way it’s helping. I’m a broken woman, who jokes that I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Truth be told I do. Charlie is my constant, he’s a man that shows me nothing but love. Yes we can argue but I wouldn’t be without him. No one sees what he puts up with,  they don’t see the mood swings that leave me crying into his pillows while he tells me it’s okay. No one sees this because if they did it’s admitting I’m not well. It’s admitting that I need help. 

Self harm is the only way I know how to cope. It shouldn’t be but for some reason it’s my way to cope without anyone knowing I’m hurting. No one ever wants to ask, they assume it’s an attention thing and I’m okay with that. I means they don’t ask me questions. It means they don’t make me delve into why I’m like this. I have no answers anymore. Years of being told I’m too fat, too ugly, that I’m to weird has taken its toll and it’s not ruining everything good I have now. 

Anyone have answers? Anyone got any tips to shake these feelings? 

Bye x

Insecurities |

Hello again,

Yes I am fully aware that it has been a very long time since we last spoke. I would say so much has changed, it hasn't. I'm still with Charlie, works still just as mind numbing as ever, pretty much everything has stayed the same. One thing that has changed though is that my one and only, my soul mate, my partner in crime finally set a date for her wedding and I am verrrrry please to say she asked me to be her maid of honour. We have a cracking chummy trip to Disneyland planned for a chummy hen so I may be filming that.

There's no point jumping back in and just going in the shallow end. I wanted to get straight back to it. Today I want to talk about insecurities and how lately I'm finding it really difficult to handle them. This post may not go up yet, I want to run it past a few people first but with any luck. This will be appearing on your screens.

I have never been one to brush things off easily, some see it as a blessing and others a curse. Chummy says it's a good thing I care and that I have come an awful long way from what I used to be like. Lately though the insecurities have been creeping into my brain and I have been finding it so hard. Here is a little list of just some of the things that have been floating around my brain, they just cling on and I cant shake them.

I'm worried Charlie will end things because of how I cant control my erratic brain sometimes.

I'm worried I won't ever compare to his ex, which is stupid because he tells me all the time how much he loves me and we're planning to have kids.

I'm worried that when it comes to me having children I won't be able to actually take full maternity because I won;t be able to afford to.

If people read my texts and don't reply but I see them active on things like Facebook, I worry they are avoiding me and don't want to be with me or know me. Stupid I know. 

If people are late my mind goes into over drive. Chummy knows this and she always gets somewhere like ten minutes early just to put my mind at rest. Everyone else thinks time keeping doesn't matter but it really stresses me out. I then wonder where they are and what they are up to and it drives me crazy.

I hate the way I look. I got to a point with my body where I was like no I am happy with this curvy woman I see in the mirror. Before Charlie, there was one male encounter I had where it was pretty much you are far to weird, emotional and fat for anyone to love. 

This last insecurity has shattered me. I know it shouldn't matter now but my brain will never feel good enough. I know Charlie loves every part of me, even the bad bits. He looks at me like I'm beautiful, he looks at my body like it's perfect and I love that but sometimes my brain still thinks of a comment from someone who made me feel so horrid about myself.

I really worry charlie says he wants our future but in my head I think he only says it to make me happy. We plan on moving out by next summer. Something I really hope is still a plan of action because I think we need it now. 

My whole life just seems to be ruled by my mind taking over. My heart knows I am loved. It's the toxic words that still stick in my head and make me feel so unsure of everything sometimes. I don't think everyone understands how I am. I don't think they have the patients to if I'm honest. Charlie and Chummy understand, I mean chummy's been around for every single breakdown so she's seen a tad more than charlie. 

I know how I am will drive people away but this is part of me that wont get better until people start to understand it and understand that I need the reassurance sometimes. I'm not sure really what the point of this was. I know you will all understand that I need to get this all off my chest and I really hope some of you may be able to help. Any suggestions for me?

Are we ever good enough? |

Hello there,

Today I want to touch on something I think I have to stay quiet on. The feeling of never being good enough is strong with me lately. Apparently I always make something out of nothing and that was the point when I said nope. No one. No matter who you are, no one gets to say that to me.

People never see what goes on in the inner workings of your brain. We live in a society that still just judges on what they can see without all the facts. For a while I have started to maybe think that maybe I am good enough. That feeling was stripped from my soul the minute that was said. 

I know I take things to heart and that is not a bad trait, in my opinion it just means I care a damn lot more. Right now in my life I am juggling my time between two families, a job that is mentally killing me, keeping secrets about the tiniest things because I'm not allowed to tell someone which seems so ridiculous. Im trying to work out just whats wrong with me whilst constantly trying to make sure everyone else is okay. I am tired of doing it. No one gives a shit if I'm not okay, it then get turned into something else and I am made to feel bad for having a down day.

This is me, I am all of the following and if you cant accept that, well maybe its time for us to drift apart.....

I am loud.

I am outspoken.

I am quiet when I need to be.

I overthink.

I am fat.

I am messy.

I am struggling and always will be.

I wont ever be ordinary.

I have goals that are so far out of my reach.

I am a realist.

I am scared for my future.

I can be the kindest person ever but cross me once and I'm done.

I look like I'm an easy target but you dont want to see what I can do.

I still believe in love even though most people have proved its all nonsense.

I am fragile.

I am tired or trying.

Lately I feel so unloved by people and its crushing. It honestly is. I love to hard and that is something that I know isnt a good thing for me. If I'm not good enough then thats okay. I just want everyone to know that you shouldn't be worrying about this. One day someone is gonna come along and love you for al the reasons you dont love yourself. Right now I'm having a conflict in my brain and it hurts. I want so desperately to be good enough but I just feel like I wont ever be. 

Disney Collection |

Hello there,

My for all things Disney is strong and over the years I have been collecting some lovely pieces that I proudly display in my room. Now I don't read have the room for any of this but I will never part with them. This will be a bit of a lengthy post but it is family pictures so I'm sure you will all be forgiving.

Disneyland Paris memento |

I got this cute little ornament when I went to Paris. I loved it so much, purely because it has a little nod to the areas of the parks and I just love how stitch is just chilling in a rocket. Like it's a nice little reminder of the park for me.

Mickey tradition |

I believe this was the first in the collection and its the only one I really wanted. I just love the look and feel of him. He is such a good quality and I just love the little quote on the bottom.

Tsum Tsums | 

I don't display my others anymore, I just have far too many for a nice display but I love to keep these on show. My favourite princess used to be Aurora and flora, fauna and merry weather have always been my favourite, I love to have this out on display in my room.

Mrs. Potts and chip |

I had always wanted to get these but they were so expensive from the Disney store and really rare, however when primark jumped on the Disney train they sold these and they were so cheap. I love the quality and I proudly display them at home.

Ariel |

I found this in a charity shop when I was little and I loved it. I just think its super cute and I just cant bare to part with it.

Belle snow globe  |

Chummy got me this for Christmas a few years ago and I am so in love. I loved these little snow globes, chummy has the else one and I'm so happy she got me this. I love a snow globe and its just so cute to have on show. 

Belle traditions |

I found this on a Facebook page for like £10 and I just needed it. I love how the dress is detailed with a picture off the beasts castle. Its just the perfect little nod to the film and I have a few more from this collection that I really want.

Aladdin's lamp |

Aladdin is one of my all time favourites and I just needed to have the lamp. I just feel like all my wishes will come true if I have that. Now I have tried it and alas it does not work, its just a pretty cool thing to have on Disney.

I am Moana |

Chummy got me this ages ago, she knew I needed something to perk me up and this was the perfect thing. She knows I love Moana because she loves the sea, much like myself. I love having this one, it reminds me I can do most things I put my mind to.

Storybook traditions |

Both of these I got a few years ago. I love the storybook traditions, I simply needed to have these two as they are two of my favourite princesses. I have my eye on the Aladdin one but I think that will have to wait a while before I get that.

Book fold |

When me and chummy went to Disney her mum got these made for us. I will never take this out of the cellophane because I'm worried it will get broken. I just think this is so cute and a nice little memory of mine and chummy's trip.

Mary Poppins trinket dish and mirror |

I got this from primark a few weeks ago and its just so pretty. I keep all of my special jewellery in here and its practically perfect for me. I got the mirror from primark as well and I love it. I have always wanted a mirror like this and its just so cute.

Minnie NYC |

I got this one when I last went on holiday and she is stunning. She also lights up which is cute. I just think its a nice little reminder of our holiday and she sits proudly on my side.

Rapunzel |

I got this from Paris a few years ago and I love her. One of my favourite ever Disney scenes is the lanterns and this is just the perfect little ornament for me to have. Her lantern also lights up which makes this even more magical.

Jasmine |

I have had jasmine since I was six or seven and I will never part with her. She is a musical gem and I adore her. This is the one thing in my collection that I will never get rid of. She's broken but still good.

Minne and Daisy |

This was a present from chummy as a little nod to our chumminess. I have this proudly displayed next to a cute little picture of the two of us. 

Eeyore |

I like having this little figure because my mum calls me her Eeyore when I'm having a down day. Everyone loves Eeyore so I wanted to have him on show.

Mini Minnie |

The lovely lady at work got me this a few years ago and she's the perfect size to pop next to my keyboard. Shes my little writing companion and I think she is just really cute.

Moana and Maui |

This is one of the bigger pieces I have and it lights up. I just think it looks so majestic and its a nod to one of my favourite films. It had a tiny little crack in in which means I have to be super careful with it. I still love it regardless.

Cogsworth and Lumiere |

If I had Mrs.Potts and chip then I needed this pair. I just think they are a must for any Disney fan to own. I just need to get the battery fixed in cogsworth then he is a fully functioning clock again.

Tink |

Another little moments from my trips to Paris. Its just a really stunning little piece and it was only about €30 which I thought wasn't too bad.

A jolly holiday |

I love Mary Poppins so this little figure is the perfect little nod to that. I also love that it has the penguins on it as well.

The rose |

I fell in love with this the minute I saw it. I love the rose in beauty and the beast but this just screamed out to me. I just think it looks so elegant.

Lion king musical |

I got this when me and Charlie went to see the lion king musical and I just think its so cool. It does the tune to circle of life and its got so many cute little pictures of the show on the bottom.

Alice in her wonderland |

Another bigger ornament but its so whimsical and fun to look at. I love the original Alice animation and I think this just brings a pop of colour into my room.

Beauty and the beast |

Another musical snow globe and it has the characters all around the bottom. I got this in Paris a few years ago and I just needed it because I so desperately wanted to have the rose from the film.

Hakuna Matata |

My aunt got me this a few years ago I think its so fun. I love the fact I can change it from baby to adult Simba. I normally keep the older Simba on it but I'm gonna change it over for a bit.

Tink snow globe |

Another one I picked up in Paris. My mum got me this one and its the perfect little springtime ornament. I just love the flowers and little bee.

Well that was a little look at the Disney collection that lives in my room. It might not have been every ones cup of tea but I love being nosey with other collections. The only issue I have is I have no idea where these will go when I finally move out. Until then, back on display these little beauties go.

Ciao for now xxx

Anxiety |

Hello there,

I always talk about how I'm a little bit hit and miss with my moods. I just wanted to do a little post today to talk about what helps me when I'm having a bad spout of anxiety. Now of course no two people are the same so for what works for me may not work for others. This is just a little post about how I personally cope when I'm having an anxiety attack or even just having an off day.

Reading |

When I'm feeling a little bit anxious I like to throw myself into a good book. I normally delve back into the lives of Sophie and billy, the book called Billy and Me is one that I just adore. If not I love picking up a little self help book, I really like Fearne cottons calm.

Music | 

Music is my little escape and I just love popping my headphones in and blocking out the world. I love to listen to old school songs like Fleetwood Mac and also I just love listening to really cringy songs, you know the songs you hear at weddings. I don't know why, I think they are just really good feel good songs and it just perks me up a little but. If I'm feeling thoughtful I will listening to my all time favourite.......Somewhere only we know. I swear only chummy ever remembers that about me.

Writing |

I do not do it enough but writing is a form that I love to express how I feel. I have been trying to find the fine line between expressing how I feel but putting a positive spin on it and just venting and making my online space very negative. This is something I'm working really hard on this year. I guess I just want to re-vamp this a bit this year and I think I'm doing an okay job so far.

Games | 

I love a game of spyro or zombies. Failing that I really just love playing the Sims. There's something about playing in a world that you create that just makes the world feel a little better. I love the Sims because I have full control. What that says about me I don't know, I just like to be able to play with loads of money and live out my perfect life, pretty much because on there I don't really need to worry. 

Disney films |

My happy place, nothing beats sitting back, getting cosy under some blankets and enjoying a good Disney film. Currently if I'm feeling a little blue I love watching tangled. Its such a feel good film. Plus I have a little bit of a thing for Flynn. Yes I have an attraction to an animation, don't say you have never fancied a Disney prince.

Louise Pentland | 

Oh this woman has been my saviour. Louise is not afraid to say how she feels and its so comforting that even in an edited life, she still chooses to share the moments when she feels low. I love this about her, it think it connects her to her audience on another level. I feel better knowing that it happens to everyone and its okay. Plus I love just binge watching her life, her positive outlook just brightens my day and we could all use a little Louise in our lives.

Tidying |

Now I do not frequent this one often, if my mother saw this then she would be in fits of laughter. I am a very messy person but sometimes it just helps my anxiety to have a deep clean and just sort stuff out. It feels like I have some control and I find I can be rather ruthless so its perfect if I need a de-clutter. Every cloud and all that jazz.

Puppy time | 

Planning |

Currently when I'm a little anxious I just start planning my holiday. Throwing myself into planning takes my mind off it all and helps me to see the good things I have coming up. Granted I think I'm annoying Charlie with my Disney planning, at the minute I feel like I'm the only one excited for it. But ho hum, I can do the excitement for the two of us. Its not like I'm not the most excited I've ever been for a holiday.

Alone time |

Sometimes all I need, if all else fails then sometimes I just need some time on my own. Now I can shut myself away for days. As much as I say i want alone time, I want alone time where I have charlie with me. He doesn't count as people, he's my little safety blanket and when he's around it just makes me feel a little more me. I just want to sit in a dimly lit room, some candles and just time to breathe and think. I know it may sound a little odd but its okay to feel like you need some space. 

So that's sort of how I like to try and deal with my anxiety, it doesn't work all the time but I think at least I'm trying to work through it. One thing I have learnt the hard way though, is that it is okay to ask for help. No one will judge you for saying how you feel and quite frankly if they do, they can go fuck themselves. You have every right to feel how you do, its not your fault. Just breathe, try to relax and it will pass. I am aware that this may not work for everyone, this is just what helps me. 

I would love to hear your opinions on this, please just remember that everyone has different ways of coping and I want this to be a safe place to share your ideas and thoughts.

Ciao for now xxx