Tuesday, 17 September 2019

Insecurities |

Hello again,
Yes I am fully aware that it has been a very long time since we last spoke. I would say so much has changed, it hasn't. I'm still with Charlie, works still just as mind numbing as ever, pretty much everything has stayed the same. One thing that has changed though is that my one and only, my soul mate, my partner in crime finally set a date for her wedding and I am verrrrry please to say she asked me to be her maid of honour. We have a cracking chummy trip to Disneyland planned for a chummy hen so I may be filming that.

There's no point jumping back in and just going in the shallow end. I wanted to get straight back to it. Today I want to talk about insecurities and how lately I'm finding it really difficult to handle them. This post may not go up yet, I want to run it past a few people first but with any luck. This will be appearing on your screens.

I have never been one to brush things off easily, some see it as a blessing and others a curse. Chummy says it's a good thing I care and that I have come an awful long way from what I used to be like. Lately though the insecurities have been creeping into my brain and I have been finding it so hard. Here is a little list of just some of the things that have been floating around my brain, they just cling on and I cant shake them.

I'm worried Charlie will end things because of how I cant control my erratic brain sometimes.

I'm worried I won't ever compare to his ex, which is stupid because he tells me all the time how much he loves me and we're planning to have kids.

I'm worried that when it comes to me having children I won't be able to actually take full maternity because I won;t be able to afford to.

If people read my texts and don't reply but I see them active on things like Facebook, I worry they are avoiding me and don't want to be with me or know me. Stupid I know. 

If people are late my mind goes into over drive. Chummy knows this and she always gets somewhere like ten minutes early just to put my mind at rest. Everyone else thinks time keeping doesn't matter but it really stresses me out. I then wonder where they are and what they are up to and it drives me crazy.

I hate the way I look. I got to a point with my body where I was like no I am happy with this curvy woman I see in the mirror. Before Charlie, there was one male encounter I had where it was pretty much you are far to weird, emotional and fat for anyone to love. 

This last insecurity has shattered me. I know it shouldn't matter now but my brain will never feel good enough. I know Charlie loves every part of me, even the bad bits. He looks at me like I'm beautiful, he looks at my body like it's perfect and I love that but sometimes my brain still thinks of a comment from someone who made me feel so horrid about myself.

I really worry charlie says he wants our future but in my head I think he only says it to make me happy. We plan on moving out by next summer. Something I really hope is still a plan of action because I think we need it now. 

My whole life just seems to be ruled by my mind taking over. My heart knows I am loved. It's the toxic words that still stick in my head and make me feel so unsure of everything sometimes. I don't think everyone understands how I am. I don't think they have the patients to if I'm honest. Charlie and Chummy understand, I mean chummy's been around for every single breakdown so she's seen a tad more than charlie. 

I know how I am will drive people away but this is part of me that wont get better until people start to understand it and understand that I need the reassurance sometimes. I'm not sure really what the point of this was. I know you will all understand that I need to get this all off my chest and I really hope some of you may be able to help. Any suggestions for me?

Wednesday, 20 February 2019

Are we ever good enough? |

Hello there,
Today I want to touch on something I think I have to stay quiet on. The feeling of never being good enough is strong with me lately. Apparently I always make something out of nothing and that was the point when I said nope. No one. No matter who you are, no one gets to say that to me.

People never see what goes on in the inner workings of your brain. We live in a society that still just judges on what they can see without all the facts. For a while I have started to maybe think that maybe I am good enough. That feeling was stripped from my soul the minute that was said. 

I know I take things to heart and that is not a bad trait, in my opinion it just means I care a damn lot more. Right now in my life I am juggling my time between two families, a job that is mentally killing me, keeping secrets about the tiniest things because I'm not allowed to tell someone which seems so ridiculous. Im trying to work out just whats wrong with me whilst constantly trying to make sure everyone else is okay. I am tired of doing it. No one gives a shit if I'm not okay, it then get turned into something else and I am made to feel bad for having a down day.

This is me, I am all of the following and if you cant accept that, well maybe its time for us to drift apart.....
I am loud.
I am outspoken.
I am quiet when I need to be.
I overthink.
I am fat.
I am messy.
I am struggling and always will be.
I wont ever be ordinary.
I have goals that are so far out of my reach.
I am a realist.
I am scared for my future.
I can be the kindest person ever but cross me once and I'm done.
I look like I'm an easy target but you dont want to see what I can do.
I still believe in love even though most people have proved its all nonsense.
I am fragile.
I am tired or trying.

Lately I feel so unloved by people and its crushing. It honestly is. I love to hard and that is something that I know isnt a good thing for me. If I'm not good enough then thats okay. I just want everyone to know that you shouldn't be worrying about this. One day someone is gonna come along and love you for al the reasons you dont love yourself. Right now I'm having a conflict in my brain and it hurts. I want so desperately to be good enough but I just feel like I wont ever be. 

Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Disney Collection |

Hello there,
My for all things Disney is strong and over the years I have been collecting some lovely pieces that I proudly display in my room. Now I don't read have the room for any of this but I will never part with them. This will be a bit of a lengthy post but it is family pictures so I'm sure you will all be forgiving.

Disneyland Paris memento |
I got this cute little ornament when I went to Paris. I loved it so much, purely because it has a little nod to the areas of the parks and I just love how stitch is just chilling in a rocket. Like it's a nice little reminder of the park for me.

Mickey tradition |
I believe this was the first in the collection and its the only one I really wanted. I just love the look and feel of him. He is such a good quality and I just love the little quote on the bottom.

Tsum Tsums | 
I don't display my others anymore, I just have far too many for a nice display but I love to keep these on show. My favourite princess used to be Aurora and flora, fauna and merry weather have always been my favourite, I love to have this out on display in my room.

Mrs. Potts and chip |
I had always wanted to get these but they were so expensive from the Disney store and really rare, however when primark jumped on the Disney train they sold these and they were so cheap. I love the quality and I proudly display them at home.

Ariel |
I found this in a charity shop when I was little and I loved it. I just think its super cute and I just cant bare to part with it.

Belle snow globe  |
Chummy got me this for Christmas a few years ago and I am so in love. I loved these little snow globes, chummy has the else one and I'm so happy she got me this. I love a snow globe and its just so cute to have on show. 

Belle traditions |
I found this on a Facebook page for like £10 and I just needed it. I love how the dress is detailed with a picture off the beasts castle. Its just the perfect little nod to the film and I have a few more from this collection that I really want.

Aladdin's lamp |
Aladdin is one of my all time favourites and I just needed to have the lamp. I just feel like all my wishes will come true if I have that. Now I have tried it and alas it does not work, its just a pretty cool thing to have on Disney.

I am Moana |
Chummy got me this ages ago, she knew I needed something to perk me up and this was the perfect thing. She knows I love Moana because she loves the sea, much like myself. I love having this one, it reminds me I can do most things I put my mind to.

Storybook traditions |
Both of these I got a few years ago. I love the storybook traditions, I simply needed to have these two as they are two of my favourite princesses. I have my eye on the Aladdin one but I think that will have to wait a while before I get that.

Book fold |
When me and chummy went to Disney her mum got these made for us. I will never take this out of the cellophane because I'm worried it will get broken. I just think this is so cute and a nice little memory of mine and chummy's trip.

Mary Poppins trinket dish and mirror |
I got this from primark a few weeks ago and its just so pretty. I keep all of my special jewellery in here and its practically perfect for me. I got the mirror from primark as well and I love it. I have always wanted a mirror like this and its just so cute.

Minnie NYC |
I got this one when I last went on holiday and she is stunning. She also lights up which is cute. I just think its a nice little reminder of our holiday and she sits proudly on my side.

Rapunzel |
I got this from Paris a few years ago and I love her. One of my favourite ever Disney scenes is the lanterns and this is just the perfect little ornament for me to have. Her lantern also lights up which makes this even more magical.

Jasmine |
I have had jasmine since I was six or seven and I will never part with her. She is a musical gem and I adore her. This is the one thing in my collection that I will never get rid of. She's broken but still good.

Minne and Daisy |
This was a present from chummy as a little nod to our chumminess. I have this proudly displayed next to a cute little picture of the two of us. 

Eeyore |
I like having this little figure because my mum calls me her Eeyore when I'm having a down day. Everyone loves Eeyore so I wanted to have him on show.

Mini Minnie |
The lovely lady at work got me this a few years ago and she's the perfect size to pop next to my keyboard. Shes my little writing companion and I think she is just really cute.

Moana and Maui |
This is one of the bigger pieces I have and it lights up. I just think it looks so majestic and its a nod to one of my favourite films. It had a tiny little crack in in which means I have to be super careful with it. I still love it regardless.

Cogsworth and Lumiere |
If I had Mrs.Potts and chip then I needed this pair. I just think they are a must for any Disney fan to own. I just need to get the battery fixed in cogsworth then he is a fully functioning clock again.

Tink |
Another little moments from my trips to Paris. Its just a really stunning little piece and it was only about €30 which I thought wasn't too bad.

A jolly holiday |
I love Mary Poppins so this little figure is the perfect little nod to that. I also love that it has the penguins on it as well.

The rose |
I fell in love with this the minute I saw it. I love the rose in beauty and the beast but this just screamed out to me. I just think it looks so elegant.

Lion king musical |
I got this when me and Charlie went to see the lion king musical and I just think its so cool. It does the tune to circle of life and its got so many cute little pictures of the show on the bottom.

Alice in her wonderland |
Another bigger ornament but its so whimsical and fun to look at. I love the original Alice animation and I think this just brings a pop of colour into my room.

Beauty and the beast |
Another musical snow globe and it has the characters all around the bottom. I got this in Paris a few years ago and I just needed it because I so desperately wanted to have the rose from the film.

Hakuna Matata |
My aunt got me this a few years ago I think its so fun. I love the fact I can change it from baby to adult Simba. I normally keep the older Simba on it but I'm gonna change it over for a bit.

Tink snow globe |
Another one I picked up in Paris. My mum got me this one and its the perfect little springtime ornament. I just love the flowers and little bee.

Well that was a little look at the Disney collection that lives in my room. It might not have been every ones cup of tea but I love being nosey with other collections. The only issue I have is I have no idea where these will go when I finally move out. Until then, back on display these little beauties go.

Ciao for now xxx

Wednesday, 6 February 2019

Anxiety |

Hello there,
I always talk about how I'm a little bit hit and miss with my moods. I just wanted to do a little post today to talk about what helps me when I'm having a bad spout of anxiety. Now of course no two people are the same so for what works for me may not work for others. This is just a little post about how I personally cope when I'm having an anxiety attack or even just having an off day.

Reading |

When I'm feeling a little bit anxious I like to throw myself into a good book. I normally delve back into the lives of Sophie and billy, the book called Billy and Me is one that I just adore. If not I love picking up a little self help book, I really like Fearne cottons calm.

Music | 
Music is my little escape and I just love popping my headphones in and blocking out the world. I love to listen to old school songs like Fleetwood Mac and also I just love listening to really cringy songs, you know the songs you hear at weddings. I don't know why, I think they are just really good feel good songs and it just perks me up a little but. If I'm feeling thoughtful I will listening to my all time favourite.......Somewhere only we know. I swear only chummy ever remembers that about me.

Writing |

I do not do it enough but writing is a form that I love to express how I feel. I have been trying to find the fine line between expressing how I feel but putting a positive spin on it and just venting and making my online space very negative. This is something I'm working really hard on this year. I guess I just want to re-vamp this a bit this year and I think I'm doing an okay job so far.

Games | 
I love a game of spyro or zombies. Failing that I really just love playing the Sims. There's something about playing in a world that you create that just makes the world feel a little better. I love the Sims because I have full control. What that says about me I don't know, I just like to be able to play with loads of money and live out my perfect life, pretty much because on there I don't really need to worry. 

Disney films |

My happy place, nothing beats sitting back, getting cosy under some blankets and enjoying a good Disney film. Currently if I'm feeling a little blue I love watching tangled. Its such a feel good film. Plus I have a little bit of a thing for Flynn. Yes I have an attraction to an animation, don't say you have never fancied a Disney prince.

Louise Pentland | 
Oh this woman has been my saviour. Louise is not afraid to say how she feels and its so comforting that even in an edited life, she still chooses to share the moments when she feels low. I love this about her, it think it connects her to her audience on another level. I feel better knowing that it happens to everyone and its okay. Plus I love just binge watching her life, her positive outlook just brightens my day and we could all use a little Louise in our lives.

Tidying |

Now I do not frequent this one often, if my mother saw this then she would be in fits of laughter. I am a very messy person but sometimes it just helps my anxiety to have a deep clean and just sort stuff out. It feels like I have some control and I find I can be rather ruthless so its perfect if I need a de-clutter. Every cloud and all that jazz.
Puppy time | 

Planning |

Currently when I'm a little anxious I just start planning my holiday. Throwing myself into planning takes my mind off it all and helps me to see the good things I have coming up. Granted I think I'm annoying Charlie with my Disney planning, at the minute I feel like I'm the only one excited for it. But ho hum, I can do the excitement for the two of us. Its not like I'm not the most excited I've ever been for a holiday.

Alone time |

Sometimes all I need, if all else fails then sometimes I just need some time on my own. Now I can shut myself away for days. As much as I say i want alone time, I want alone time where I have charlie with me. He doesn't count as people, he's my little safety blanket and when he's around it just makes me feel a little more me. I just want to sit in a dimly lit room, some candles and just time to breathe and think. I know it may sound a little odd but its okay to feel like you need some space. 

So that's sort of how I like to try and deal with my anxiety, it doesn't work all the time but I think at least I'm trying to work through it. One thing I have learnt the hard way though, is that it is okay to ask for help. No one will judge you for saying how you feel and quite frankly if they do, they can go fuck themselves. You have every right to feel how you do, its not your fault. Just breathe, try to relax and it will pass. I am aware that this may not work for everyone, this is just what helps me. 

I would love to hear your opinions on this, please just remember that everyone has different ways of coping and I want this to be a safe place to share your ideas and thoughts.

Ciao for now xxx

Wednesday, 30 January 2019

Disney world | 52 Days!

Hello there,
This year I really want to take this blog to another level. I want to just make it more about the fun things in life, the things I have a passion for and just have some fun with it. If you follow me on instagram then you will know that I am finally, after years of waiting......going to Disney world. I am fucking thrilled and I wanted to tell you all about the plans we have made and just little bits and bobs I'm doing in preparation for our trip.

Now its just me and Charlie going and I cant wait for two whole weeks to act like children. I waned to give you a little post about what we're going to be getting up to, where we're staying and things like that.

Soooo, lets do this!

Accommodation | 
Charlie and I aren't that loaded so even though it was an expensive trip, we're just going for the cheaper hotel. I personally don't see anything wrong with going to the cheaper hotels. In my opinion its just a place to sleep. We are staying at the all star music resort, one of three all star resorts on the Disney complex.

We just have the standard double room which I think will per more than adequate for us two. I believe this hotel is nearer to the animal kingdom park which is good because its the one park I'm dying to go to. The handy thing about our hotel is that is has a laundry room, yes I know on holiday I don't really want to have to do washing. This does mean that I don't need to take as much as I can just wash what i have.

We also have a mini fridge which is perfect. Whilst me and Charlie aren't going to restrict our self with what we buy, I am aware that snacks and drinks in the park are going to be a lot more expensive. We have decided to go to a local shop so we can stock up for the two weeks on things like water, fizzy and snacks that can keep us going in the parks. Its also because we both love snacking in bed, I know we shouldn't but we just do. This way we have a few extras in the room in case we get hungry,

Flights | 
On our last trip to the US we went with Norwegian and then we had a different airline called wamos, it was not the best so this time we are going with Virgin. I have heard great things about them so hopefully it should be a better flight. We have pretty good flight times meaning when we go out there we are not up at the crack of dawn and when we go home I'm pretty sure we can just sleep the whole way home as its night time when we go.

I got us seats but I don't think I go the best. Charlie is very tall and likes extra leg room, but like fuck was I paying an extra £70 per person each way. I'm sure he will suffer in silence but I'm sure he will cope.

Parks | 
Whilst we are out there Charlie is determined to do four parks one day. I so want to do it but I just think we wont really get enough time to d do it. He also wants to try six parks one day which means doing all the water parks. I'm sure he will try to do it but I Just don't think it will be possible. I'm hoping that we get good weather, I know its hot out there but I'm just hoping it doesn't rain whilst we are out there. 

We are also of course going to the universal studios because whilst we are out there we want to make sure we get to do it. For me this is a once in a lifetime trip and I must go to the Harry Potter world while I'm out there. I think the universal parks will be a lot more action packed purely because we will only be there for a few days, whereas we are staying closer to Disney.

Dining | 
With our hotel we get breakfast included, I think this will be a perfect way to set us up for the day. We could have paid the extra to have the dining plans but I just thought it was a lot more money when I know that there's a McDonald's not far from our accommodation. 

Of course we have booked some restaurants for when we go. One of those is the be our guest restaurant where we will be having lunch. It works out a little cheaper than doing the three course meal, if we weren't fussy eaters then we would have opted for that but we wont eat half of the menu so we are playing it safe with lunch.

 Another reservation we have made is at planet Hollywood. I cant wait to go here, the menu is right up our street and it just looks very much like the T.G.I's menu, that is a menu me and Charlie really like. Its also well presented and of course I will be doing all the gram shots.

The last place we have made a reservation is in the rain forest cafe. We will be going there for dinner on our second week and its quite close to our hotel. I have never been so I'm really looking forward to it as it looks incredible. 

Well that's it for now, I shall see you all next week for another Disney post.

Ciao for now xxx