Sunday, 29 October 2017

Life Got Real | An Apology

Hello lovelies,
I feel like I've been gone that long that I need to re-introduce myself to you all. I'm sorry I've been away for a while. I will admit, juggling work, family, friends and a boyfriend has proved more challenging than I thought. I honestly don't understand how I thought I would have time for it all. Now Charlie is having a boys Fifa night, football on a screen doesn't really appeal to me but that means I have a whole night to sit and write. To get a few bits and bobs done without getting distracted with C.O.D, netflix and koala cuddles. Yep here's a bucket to throw up at the thought of koala snuggles, I never wanted to be some lovely dovey thing that liked those types of cuddles but truth is, I've turned into the people I didn't like the most haha.

Now this is going to be a bit of an apology to a few people. First and foremost, you. The ones who read my blog and give me a lot of support and have done since the start. My blog has been the last thing on my mind when it used to be the first. I'm sorry I have been so bad lately, saying that.....I think if you've read my posts, well you'll all maybe agree that some time away just to live life might have been just what I needed. I promise you I am actually getting a bit more on the ball with it. I've missed my tippy tappy keys as I type the worries away. 

I don't think it was doing me good just not dealing with my problems and hoping writing them away would help, it did for a bit but I was just shoving myself online in hope that cutting off would help. It didn't. I needed family, friends and a hell of a lot of love from them. Thankful they've been amazing. With that in mind it leads me onto the next person perfectly.......listen up chummy.

Now chummy we have our ups and downs, lately maybe we had more downs than ups but that's what we're like. I get why people think its weird, that's just how we work and I think we can both agree our arguments are silly but sometimes they are needed. My biggest thing and I'm aware I do it, when you and your lovely now fiancĂ© got together I got jealous and I admitted that to you, I guess I just wanted what you had (No not your fiancĂ©, just the idea of having a human that loved me as much as he loves you). I'm sorry for the eye rolls and shit like that, I know I've said it but I get it now. I get that it must have been hard for you trying to fit everything in. I know I'm with Charlie a lot but that doesn't mean I'm not here when you want or need me. 

I adore you and you know that, I know I could have been better. I got a little too caught up with lately I cherish our time together more. Me and you are getting older, you're adulating at a rapid rate and I know its going to get a little harder for us to see each other a lot. That's why I love our little chummy dates, or our lunch breaks together. People don't see how we work, they see bitching but we know each other well enough to know that we will come to blows, but whether you want to admit it or not, we're a fucking good team and we are far to lazy and hate people too much to make a new friend. Even if I get distracted chummy, remember I don't realise I'm doing it and just be like chummy entertain me. I love you lots and I don't want you to forget that.

Family is the next one. I've been a nightmare and I'm happy that you all finally get why I've been like it. you understand now and as scared as I was, I'm glad I finally admitted to you that I wasn't coping. I know I'm a bitch, I cry over small things and let the little things get into my head far too much. More family time has meant that I've sort of got back to the old me a little more and I forgot just how much I missed her.

Charlie, I know to some people they don't think our relationship will last, maybe they think we are a bit odd that we become very close very quickly. I ain't gonna get soppy, I'm just happy I have you. I got a lot of things wrong regarding men, I thought anyone would do and my chummy was right. It would happen when I least expected it. I did not expect to meet you, our first "date" was the most random but that's us all over. You've fallen into the two humans that can calm me down. You and chummy now tag team the mentally unstable thing you see quite a lot. I know I'm over emotional, shout at zombies to leave you alone on C.O.D and steal most of the covers in bed but........I hope people are wrong. I hope this lasts because we are far too odd for anyone else. We're an odd pair and I adore it, from the cute little outings to just cuddles up playing PS4. Our kids dinner nights and deep intellectual conversations. Whether people agree with me saying it or think its too soon when we said it, I love you so yeah.......

Well I guess there's not much else to say. I'm sorry basically. Now I need to be realistic, I can't do more than one post a week so with that in mind our new blog day shall be Sunday. I always know I'll be done with work by 5 so this shall be the day you get a new post. I promise I will try and do it this time.

Wednesday, 20 September 2017

Happiness | 10 Things That Make Me Smile

Hello lovelies,
Happiness is something that when I get, I cling onto it for dear life. I just know how rare my happy days can be sometimes and I just like to make sure that I make the most of them. Here are ten things that make me smile and fill me with so much happiness.

One |
Seeing my cousins. This is the smallest thing but seeing those three mini humans just fills me with so much pride and happiness. It's just time with them that make everything all worth it. My entire world is focused around them and I wouldn't have it any other way. As they're getting old my time with them is just more precious. Two of them are mini adults and I'm just so proud of they people they are, the other is just a imaginative child and I love her view of the world.

Two |
Cuddles with my boyfriend. Cringe alert. Please pass me a bucket but I can't help it. Me and Charlie are both very cuddly humans and right now cuddles are just the best with him. Not like lovey dovey ones, hell no. I mean the cuddles when I just lay all over him, his arm around me while we play minecraft. Wow what a hoot we are. I may sound childish but building our little minecraft world is one of my favourite things right now, building on a game I love with the one I love. 

Three |
Chummy time. My one. My only. My partner in crime and my chummy. This woman is one who I argue with the most but she means the world to me. A woman that's been there through thick and thin. Chummy time is very rare now and as sad as it makes me sometimes, well the time we do get together is just more special. Chummy time normally involved eating, arcades or sitting in silent laying next to each other scrolling through Facebook. 

 Four |
Reading. Something that when I get time to do I love. I love getting lost in the world of a book, losing myself in the world of different characters and transporting myself into their world for a few hours a day. Its one of the things that really gets my imagination going and its amazing how words on a page can just take you away for a while.

Five |
Music. One of the most simple things but I get lost in a song. I analyse lyrics and really dig deep into the meaning. Nothing beats playing my favourite song on vinyl. Its a small thing but if I'm having a bad day, I switch my phone off, I put my candles on and just play the most calming songs on a loop. Basically if you ever see me a little tense, just light some candles and put some music on. I zone out and just feel so much happier.

Six |
Candles. This one goes hand in hand with my last point. I just find candles so relaxing, the smell of cinnamon or caramel filling my room, seeing a flame flicker and dance is one of my favourite things. They just fill me with a lot of happy thoughts, its like I get lost looking at the flame and they just set a tone that I just adore.

Seven |
Tea. Nothing beats a nice mug of tea. For me its a proven cure to make me smile. No one makes tea like my mum, basically I want to test everyone just to see if the come close to a mug that my mum can make. It just feel like a hug in a mug, nothing feels better than wrapping your hands round a piping hot mug, taking the first sip of tea and just feeling all warm and fuzzy.

Eight |
Writing is one thing that I can just do for hours and hours. For me writing is the only escape that I get. Its the one thing that stops the constant noise in my head. There's something about putting everything in my head on a page that just makes me feel so much better about the world. The sound of tippy tappy keys on my keyboard pleases me a lot, I feel all official and I love life when I'm writing. 

Nine |
Movie nights are one of my little happy things. I love being all cosy in bed with a good film on. My go to film is always hot fuzz. I just love it so much. To be honest, it doesn't even need to be a movie, over the weekend me and Charlie just spend the night all snuggled up waiting Doctor Who, fun I know haha. 

Ten |
Baking people happy is something I love. I've bad my passion for baking for a few years now and it just makes me very happy. The idea that a few ingredients can make something so scrumptious is just amazing to me. I can whip out my piping bags, get a little messy and create a cute cupcake to give to the people I love or tolerate at work.

Well that was a very boring post about the ten things that make me smile. I guess I just want to do more posts like this. I want to do more posts like this. For too long this blog has been a space full of negativity. Lets take it back to what it used to be, a happy place that I fill with my favourite things.

Wednesday, 13 September 2017

Why Hello There | Remember Me

Hello lovelies,
Long time no see......sorry about that. Now last time we spoke I had just told my parents all about my mental health. It didn't go well but a few days after days away and a heart to heart later it was all good. I spoke to my aunt and she helped me see everything a lot clearer. Now I'm aware that I've been gone for maybe a lot longer than I needed to but I think I just needed some time to adjust to life with everyone knowing what was going on.

Now out of this little cloud of darkness that had been hanging over me, well a few good things have come out of it. I'm now back to talking to my sister and we are pretty much back to normal, my best friend got engaged to the love of her life and I've now got one of those boyfriend things. Yep the me that always bleated on her that I wanted one actually has one. The funny thing is, I didn't go looking for love this time. Charlie appeared when I least expected him and we just clicked. Like he is basically the male version of me, blessing or a curse......I don't know yet haha. 

Right now I'm just happy. I wont lie to you, i still get my down days. Yesterday I got an extremely down day and I was just a weepy mess. Luckily for me, charlie came and got me. I honestly don't really know what I've done to deserve him but I'm just very happy I have him. 

I think I'd just got myself into a habit of doing too much. Now I wasn't to make sure I post once a week. I just miss this an awful lot and need to get back into the habit of writing. Now I have really badly damaged my wrist so I'm even finding it hard to type but I promise you lovely lot that I will do my best, I cant let my online family down. 

I'm planning big things for blogmas this year, I want it to be much better than previous years. I want to be able to be proud once its all over. Now I'm going to leave you all now and then I shall be back next week to start these semi decent posts. 

Thank you for the support from the start and the support over the last few months. It really means the world to me and I cant wait to get back into this. 

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Telling My Parents About My Mental Health | Huge Mistake

Hello lovelies,
Now we all know by now that I struggle with stuff in my head. I had enough and knew that the only person that could help me was my aunt. Not in a horrible way because my chummy has been the best, my aunt just gets it because she's been through it. Now I wrote her out a letter telling her everything, the self harm, the suicide attempts any every other little detail you all know. My mum wouldn't stop badgering me this week about what was wrong. I just handed her the letter in tears and said " Look I don't want to talk, if you read it just listen, don't ask me about it and don't tell anyone". Five minutes later my dad knew and they were both outside my door saying I need doctors, saying that we need to talk. What didn't they get about "I'm not ready to talk about this". 

Now I found this picture online, not my own but it sums up how I feel.

I get it was a lot for them but it wasn't meant for them. It was meant for the one woman that I trust with my life, the woman who knows me inside and out. She knows me better than I know myself and she to me, is the voice of reason. I shut myself away and the way my room works is....I have a bolt on my side and a key that works on both sides. I slid the bolt across because I wanted to be on my own. I told them I wanted to be on my own. After telling my mum what had been going on I wanted to hide away from the world. I had my dad smashing on the other side telling me he'd break the door down. Did I need that? No. I went to leave for work, oh yeah I had a shift in the evening so this all happened at the most awkward time. He had locked me in. He had used his key and locked me in there like I was monster. Like I shouldn't be let out. Luckily I had my key so could just let myself out. I put my earphones in and just ran off. I didn't drive because I saw no point, I was in no fit state to be behind the wheel.

I got to work and saw my manager, she looked at me and I started bawling like a baby. Like she normally does, she sent me to the cupboard that has been many a woman shed man a tear. I told her everything and she just cuddled me. She had the reaction I needed. She was calm and knew that that's the way to handle me. I didn't want to bother chummy with it, she was having a nice day with her boyfriend and I knew hearing about her day would cheer me up.

I guess I thought that if I told my parents it would be like the scene on inside out when Riley breaks down and just tells her parents how she feels. They come together as a family unit. Nope, my experience of telling my parents about my mental health was nothing like that. It was messy and now we're not speaking. I told my aunt everything while she was at the zoo today, trying to enjoy her last day on holiday but she was there. She helped me see reason. She did what I needed. She handled in how it should have been handled and I'm just so thankful she's there for me. She said "Bubba you're not mine but you know you're like one of my kids, I'm sorry you've been feeling like this but I understand and we can work this out. When you're ready we can talk. For now pack a bag and when we get home come and stay with us for a bit, love you lots bubba".

I'm now a bit of a mess. I guess mental health has such a stigma attached to it that people don't know how to handle it. I'm just so thankful that my best friend has been so good with me, she's dealt with mood swings, bitchiness that was not needed and still been there. Chummy you are one in a million and I'm sorry I've put you through all this. My aunt, well thank you. Thank you for knowing how I needed this to be dealt with. Thank you for just accepting it and going, yep its okay. Mum and dad, the way you acted makes me not trust you. That's okay. This family has been broken for so long, for so long you put all your worries into the child that did nothing but cause you trouble. If you'd have looked a little closer maybe you might have realised that I needed you and the reason for half this pain was her. 

Anyone else told family and had this reaction? How did you deal with it? I just need to try and make sense of whats happened now. I'll be at my aunts for at least tonight but maybe a bit longer if needs be. I'm just thankful that today my favourite workers were in to cheer me up. I needed them so much today. I needed chummy to just be silly with me, I needed my doe eyed woman to just be her and I needed the guy I work with to be on top from in his playful mood.

Monday, 31 July 2017

I'm Coming Home | Back To Blogging

Hello my lovelies,
It's been very evident that I have been away for a while. While I've been here I haven't really been here fully, I've been focused on real life and trying but failing to make people happy. I'm finally done doing that, my brains a bit too much for the real world and I think its time I focused more on my online world. 

So what's been happening? Well Today I wrote out a letter for my aunt explaining everything, like mental health stuff that I just feel like I can't tell anyone. It feels like I just burden people with it but I feel like if anyone will be able to help, its her. She's my world and I think she's the one who can get me out of this little destructive path I've been on.

I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I just will have a a pretty basis life. Theres nothing wrong with that. I'm finally stopping the quest for Mr Right. I don't really want him now, I want to focus on me. I need to focus on me. Running around looking for someone to love me, someone to cover the cracks just isn't going to help. I get to view a lot of "perfect" couples but that's good for them. I just know realistically I've always been better on my own. I work better alone, I'm more creative and I think in control more. I'm an easily controlled person in an environment of humans but when I'm on my own I can deal with life without having to rely on people which is something I become dependant on.

I guess I'm just a little lost at the minute but by getting back to blogging, it feels like I'm coming home. I'm back to what makes me happy. I can breathe again without fear of judgement because there is always someone out there that gets it. Someone to just sit and pour your heart out to who will just listen. Theres no obligation for them to do it, they just do.

Right now I'm spending my nights snuggled up with books, writing new things, learning new things and just snuggling up to Simba. I'm back now and I want to throw myself back into it like I used to. This was created for a reason and I want to get back to that.