Tuesday, 22 May 2018

Facing The Truth

Hello lovelies,
Over the last few months I haven't really been myself. It's no secret that I don't really do well with the mental health side of life. Well the last few months have been tough, well that last month.....well that's included countless night crying myself to sleep, crying into charlie after three attempts to take my own life, constant cutting and just the feeling like all I do is cause pain and upset for everyone. For every single moment of that Charlie has been there, hes been the one worrying what I'll do and I'm sorry for that.

It's time to try everything again. I'm back on the kalms, I now keep a rescue remedy spray in my work pencil case, I have to constantly be trying to do things to perk me up because stuff got to real again. I have everything I could want. I have the man of my dreams, a supportive family, me and Charlie are planning our dream holiday for next march and I know that no matter what ,well he is by my side through all of it. He may not understand it all but he's there for me.

This weekend we spent hours in a park, he took me to our little ice cream spot. Just a place for me and him. We spent our time being silly and just enjoying life. Sunday after the day from hell in work, I got home and just fell asleep. I was mentally and physically drained. I woke up to an arm draped around me stroking my hand. Charlie came round and just cuddle me until I woke up. We had the most perfect evening, diner with my parents and then went to see dead pool. The evening just got a bit worse and I snapped. My brain went into meltdown and I just sobbed. We went back to mine and charlie snuggled me into his chest and just sobbed. I cried and cried and cried and I got the best little pep talk. We put my little star projector on and just laid in silence while I tried to get my head straight.

I feel awful that still after having someone in my life who is a there for me to wipe away the tears, to always be there even if we argue, well I feel bad that I am still not fixed. I thought it would all go away. The truth is that I will never be 100%. There is a part of me that will always be slightly darker than I want it to be. I will always have the days where everything just crumbles, I just need to learn to accept help and anyone that is not on board with who I am, well they need to just leave me to it.

Charlie won't ever read this but in the rare chance he does, just thank you. Thank you for wiping away the tears when I'm crying my heart out. Thank you for dealing with the tiny insecurities that just blow up sometimes. Thank you for proving to me everyday that you were the best decision I could have ever made. At one point I thought I have to pick and every day I'm glad I chose you. Thank you for just loving me for who I am and never failing to love me. Thank you for just letting me act me, for not letting my weirdness freak you out. Thanks for being on team me all the time and reminding me every day why I love you.

I guess life has just got to a point where I know I have been trying to play catch up with people that are at very different points in their lives. I let everyone else's opinions of my relationship take it's toll on me and I think its just got too much. I need to just live life without worrying about the future. Charlies right, when I said to him "I don't know where I'm going, I don't have a clear future" he said to me "yes you do, you re looking at your future ". He's right. My future might not be clear if I will ever get a house, have kids or get a decent job. But he is right that my future is with him.

To anyone reading this feeling like there's no way to make it all better. There is. There is always a way to make it better. My way of coping now is just thinking of the little things, I'm reading a lot of self help books. I'm taking kalms to try and make me relax a little more. This isn't an easy fix. Like sometimes feels like it wont stop. My head feels like the darkest clouds are hazing my view of everything good. This isn't something I can just get over. It's a part of me and I think I'm just scared to admit that to people. Charlie is the only one of his family that know. They don't know what I do when I feel like I can't escape. They don't know that Charlie has to deal with a woman that's mind and heart are two opposite people, that he has to deal with me feeling like I need to end it all. He copes with all that and I just wish they understood that I cant help who I am.

I don't really know what the point of this was. I guess I just needed to put it all out there. I'm tired of going to work and acting like I can cope, smiling like I am the happiest woman on the planet, laughing like I haven't a care in the world. I'm facing the truth of who I am. No matter how much I try to fix myself, the damage is done but I think I'm finally ready to actually help myself.

Lots of Love,
Chloe xxx

Saturday, 12 May 2018

Chummy Day Date

Hello lovelies,
This is being written a few weeks in advance but yesterday, as in from the day I write this, me and chummy ventured into the London to go and see the most wonderfully talented Carrie Hope Fletcher. Me and chummy work together but we never get to just spend time together. It was nice to just get out for the day, have some much deserved chummy time. Now this is going to be a little "what me and chummy got up to" kind of post. I love documenting the little adventure that me and chummy have together.

We started the day in separate houses, me at charlies and her at her house. I woke up and just had a nibble on some Easter egg and then quickly got ready. Charlie dropped me to the station where I met chummy. We got on the train like proper little adults and had a good chit chat whilst on the train to London.

Naturally our first stop was the most perfect little bakery, yes if you know me well then you will know that I am talking about Crumbs and Doilies. They make the most delicious cakes and of course I got myself a few little treats to take home for me and charlie. I just adore that bakery. It's like a little gem in London that's tucked away but so worth finding.

After the little stop for cake we headed into Leicester square. It was nice to just take my time and explore a little more, we popped into M&M world which was just marvulous. I got a pressed penny and I was loving life. It was packed in there thought which was a slight annoyance considering I do not like people.

After venturing into M&M world chummy wanted to see if we could find a little shop called donut time, we found it but they had a little bit of a queue so we opted to try and get to the venue over purchasing more cake. Unfortunately it was raining most of the day but we weren't that bothered because rain or shine, we were getting to see Carrie.

The cadagon hall was simply the most beautiful venue and I'm a little bit in love with it, it just looks so stunning and I think it was the most perfect venue for Carrie. I was so excited and I was hooked the minute the first song started. I have always had a little bit of an obsession with the song "pure imagination" so when she opened with that, I had goosebumps and I was hooked for the rest of the show. Every song she sang, well you could just feel the passion and love that was being poured into each song. Obviously being a massive Disney nerd I was loving her little mash up of songs. I must say though, my a few of my favourites from Carrie, even though each song was sung with so much love and just sounded beautiful, well my favourites were pure imagination, lets go fly a kite and I'm not okay. When she sang those, well I was just in awe of her. How much perfection was coming out of her, the way she made those amazing songs her own, I love the original of lets go fly a kite, but good god she may have beaten that for me. The tones in her voice just takes the song to another level.

After a standing ovation for Carrie, we headed out for dinner. We had a lovely cocktail at TGI's, a really nice meal and then a little rest before we set off to go home. The journey home was pretty easy and it was just so nice to get out and about with one of the woman that make me feel so good about myself. The woman who has been someone who makes me want to better myself and has always made me think I can do pretty much anything I want.

Thank you for a perfect chummy day, it was just what I needed to get back to myself and I simply cant wait for another day like that.

Saturday, 5 May 2018

It's The Little Things |

Hello lovelies,
Today's post is all about the little things. There's little things in life that just make me feel all warm and fuzzy, I thought I would share some of those with you today and bore you a little with them. I know this post might not be to everyones taste but I really love reading about all the little things that make people happy.

Belly laughs 
I am someone that loves a bit of laughter in my life, I like to bring the giggles and I love it when people make me laugh. One of the things I love the most is belly laughs, the laughs that you don't think will actually stop. The ones when you are crying you find something so funny and you feel pain that you have laughed so much.

Hugs from my favourite people 
This is mainly from my little cousin and my boyfriend, also the Italian lady at work. I love going and seeing my little cousin, especially when she is in a cuddly mood. Its so nice to just be able to grab her and lift her up to cuddle her, she may be 7 but I still like to prove that I can still lift her up and give her the biggest hug in the world. I also love my hugs form charlie, the fact that he is much taller than me is something that I just adore, I can snuggle into his chest and be like nope I am not leaving as I'm too cosy.

Sleeping next to Charlie 
I am someone that loves a whole bed to myself, I normally hate sharing a bed because I just like to have all the room to myself and burrito myself in my quilt. Even though charlie steals the covers and snores like me, I love waking up in the middle of the night, hes fast asleep and I give him a little kiss on his back then a little cuddle. I then try to get back to sleep and then he rolls over and put his arm around me. I love that. I love the fact that even in his sleepy state he pulls me in close for a cuddle.

Finding money in your pocket
As much as I love sleeping next to Charlie, I love finding money in pockets or bags that i have forgotten about. It is such a satisfying thing to just be like oh good god I found extra snack money.

Leaving work 
Ohhhhhhhh we've all been there, staring at the clock waiting for it to tick over to the next hour so you can go home. I am first out the door, I say my goodbyes quickly and run the fuck away. Leaving work for me is one of the best things.

Not having to set an alarm 
I love it when I have a day off and I don't have to set an alarm. Setting alarms for me is just painful. I hate waking up to an alarm which is basically telling me that I have to go to work. I might as well have my manager sit by my bed to bloody wake me up. When I have the day off I look at my phone the night before and just sigh with relief that tomorrow I will not be a slave to my digital alarm and my dreams can play out until I wake up naturally.

Rainy days
Rainy days when I can sit in bed, all cosy and warm watching my latest addiction on Netflix. I don't know what I could think of that's better. I just adore days like that. It just makes me so happy when I get to have a day on on a rainy day.

Not that I do this that often anymore but I love a bit of baking. It just fills me with so much joy, the idea of creating a delicious smelling thing that you can eat. Whats not to love. 

As bad as Ive been at writing lately, it really chills me out. I'm writing this while at charlies, and I forgot how much I like my writing time. It just really helps me to get really creative and I also forgot how much I love watching the screen as I can see myself type without needing to actually look at the screen. 

I ain't no Adele but I like to kid myself and still belt out some of my favourite songs. I just think its something that really lets me get rid of any negative energy I have. Its either I sing really badly or I just scream in someones face. I like to think I pick the better option.

Well those are just some of the little things that just fill me with so much joy.

Saturday, 28 April 2018

Getting The Balance

Hello lovelies,
Look at me, sixth post in six weeks. I am on the ball with it. I am aware that I wanted to give you a lot more content than you have been getting but with life a little more hectic that usual, something is better than nothing. How am I actually managing to get the balance a little bit more I didn't hear you ask. Well I shall tell you in this boring yet very un insightful post.

Life over the last seven months has gone like this. I'm either at work or with charlie or with chummy or with family or just asleep. Now I can work around most of these things but its getting in between me and my love, and by my love I mean my bed. I can't seem to get the balance right and that means that the blog has taken a back seat, and when I say back seat I mean I'm on the train and its on a bus that's broken down down a country lane. A bit out there but there we go, I'm getting back to my old self of write whatever the fuck I want on the page and hope you stay with me. Right so we're on the train, the train to adulthood and bills and thinking about mortgages and shit like that. This has just taken a massive step back and I really need to work on that.

How am I managing to actually get my writing done, well if I'm honest one of the main reasons I hadn't been writing was I just couldn't find the energy for it while trying to keep up with work and a relationship. I had a spare laptop that has been gathering dust under my bed and I really wanted to use it a hell of a lot more. I have decided that the laptop will stay at Charlie's, it just means that when I'm at his house and he pops out or I wake up before him then I can get some writing done. 

I just miss this part of my life, it used to be a part of my life that was a massive factor and truth be told I really miss it. Currently I'm sat next to Charlie cuddled under the duvet while he plays his play station, this works just fine for me. I love the fact that now I have my laptop here I can get some work done in the moments were just chilling out. 

Saturday, 21 April 2018

In 5 Years Time |

Hello lovelies,
Today's post is all about where I want to be in 5 years time. 5 years time by Noah and the whale is one of mine and Charlie's songs and it makes me so happy to sit and think where we could be in 5 years time. Here's just some of the things I hope will have happened in 5 years time.

What can I say, I would hope in 5 years Charlie may have at least asked me to marry him. I know some people are happy being together and not getting married but for me, I don't know......I guess I'm just a little old fashioned and would love being married. I mean I hope we would at least be engaged. Charlie doesn't know this but I feel like if it went over two years of being together and no questioned was popped I think id be like nah even if I was asked. Marriage is definitely something I hope has happened or will be happening in 5 years time.

Mini Me's
I want a baby. That is no secret. Granted its not the right time now but I really hope I have at least one little human that's half me half Charlie running around. I just want to be a mum, I want to be able to be like yep, that human. I raised that. 

I would like to think me and Charlie would be living together by then, hopefully with a mortgage but with today's house prices I feel like it may be a little bit difficult. Oh I don't know but a girl can dream.

No doubt I will still be working where I am now but I hope that maybe I have either got out of the department or maybe even got a bit higher in my job. I know it probably wont happen but I know I am perfectly capable of managing but I think running that place would not be worth the stress.

mental state
I like to think my mental state may improve. Since being with Charlie it has actually really improved. I think its just the idea that this man, the one who I want to spend the rest of my life with accepts me for all my faults. He loves me no matter how many dark clouds come over me. I like to think our relationship will get much stronger and I like to think I'll will have really worked on my mental health.

family life
Family life could always do with a little improvement. I would like to think that in 5 years time my family would all be in a happy place with everything. Like we have our minor disagreements but I would like to think we will all still be plodding along nicely.

Well that was a nice little boring post for you. Very sorry about that but I just thought it would be nice to do this post. I am pretty sure I have done this post before but I just think that its a little more realistic now that I'm a bit more settled.