Saturday, 14 April 2018

Work Work Work | Work Work Work.......Arrrrrgggggghhh

Hello lovelies,
I'm writing this post two weeks prior to this actually going up but I sort of know my opinions are not going to change any time soon. It seems like work lately has been more demanding. I of course want more hours, if me and Charlie are ever going to move out I need to be on full time. I don't mind the job, this issue lies with the people who don't work at all.

I get payed the exact same as people who barely work and it is taking its toll on not only me but some of my other colleagues. I think some peoples work ethics nowadays are terrible. Like they are offended if you ask them to actually do some work. I am one of maybe 4 or 5 people who know how to do everything at my job, we have around 20 of us in there so a lot of the harder work falls to me and a few others. My issue isn't the ones who haven't been trained to do what I can do. My issue is even on the smaller jobs that are so simple, they still don't want to work. 

I am paid the exact same as them, why should they get paid to stand around doing nothing while I work my arse off, working until I'm sweating, red in the face and my feet ache so much I feel like I could collapse. The attitude towards these people is just "Oh they might improve" or "they're not like it with me". I am tired of doing the job of everyone else. It winds me up to the point of no return sometimes and I am at the point now where even my work ethic has changed. I will now only do my job, I wont go above expectation anymore. I will only help those who will help me, we are not a team anymore. We are a group of people that only some of us work together well, we help each other out and really pull together. The rest just make a mockery out of the job and don't deserve to work there.

There are people out there desperate for work who would work their arses off to earn a living and then you have people who just thinks its their god given right to stand and get paid to do nothing.

I'm very sorry about this little rant, it's something that's really been playing heavily on my mind lately and I just needed a place to share it. Does it bother any one else if you have to work 10x harder than someone who barely works at all.

Saturday, 7 April 2018

Being Messed Around | Dating Issues

Hello lovelies,
After last weeks little post all about what I have learnt whilst being in a relationship, I want to take a moment to just write about how I felt before I was actually with Charlie. This is all about how I was messed around so much by men that we telling me they wanted relationships when all they wanted was casual sex and naked pictures.

What's sparked this post? Well someone I really get on with has been messed around lately and its really got me thinking about the times I went through that. I was actually a little surprised that they came to me, I'm not really the sort of person that helps with other peoples issues, I'm there if they need me but no one really listens to me. 

I think it got me thinking about just how horrible it is, I think I sort of forgot just how I felt when I went through that because I'm in a much happier place now and I don't really need to think about it anymore. 

When I was attempting to start dating it was awful, I have a love hate relationship with tinder because it brought me a trail of cunts and then the happy ending to it all was Charlie. Until I met charlie I had talked properly to around......Christ this is maths I cant do. Ummmm I think it was about 15 people that led me to believe that they were really nice people who were actually after a relationship. Many of those were just after naked pictures and sexts which I am very ashamed to say I got lured into. Thinking about now I was so stupid and I regret that so much. One of them sweet talked me that much and made me feel so special, that was the one I lost my virginity to and I know I was in such a rush to get it over with, I thought I needed to to be socially acceptable to per usual chummy was right. I so wish I had waited now, I wish I'd waited until I met Charlie because I think it would have been much more special than a quick fumble with the fresh prince of Bel air on in the background *I still can't watch it without feeling slightly queasy*.

I almost wanted to address how it mad me feel, being messed around like that crushed me. The biggest blow I took was when the boy I lost my virginity to messaged me a few days after and said "You are far to awkward, no ones that awkward". My awkwardness and weirdness is something that Charlie loves most about me. If you are a man or woman reading this and you are the one messing someone around. Take a minute to think how you would feel, putting your trust in someone and then having them drop you when something better comes along. 

It took me a while to get over that, I was still so on edge for the first two months of my relationship because I was so used to men all being the same. I think it upset Charlie a little at first but once I had explained to him the reasons why, well he sort of understood then.

To you it might just seem like a bit of fun but for people like me, being messed around like that was soul destroying, you sit and nit pick yourself, you dissect every part of your brain to work out just why you aren't good enough. 

I don't want anyone to feel how I felt and it is just more crushing that the person that's been messed around, well they are the most caring, helpful and funniest people I have the pleasure of knowing, they don't deserve that and I think its just reminded me just how hurtful it is to be in that situation. 

I'm not really sure what the point of this post was but I think I just needed to just vent for a little because its really got to me, people see a sweet and innocent person and its like we're easy prey, after a while it toughens you up, you don't want to let anyone in. I certainly didn't, it took ages for me to fully trust Charlie and I'm glad I did. I'm just angry that it took so many people to finally be with someone who treats me like a princess.

Saturday, 31 March 2018

Relationships | What I've Learnt So Far

Hello lovelies,
Long time no see as per usual. Truth be told, this had to take a back seat. I had to put my focus on me for a bit and the blog just sort of needed to be shelved for a little while. I'm finally back tippy tapping away at my computer and it feels good.

I'm fully aware I haven't really been in an relationship for that long, well nearly 7 months which for me is like "YAY!!! SOMEONE ACTUALLY LIKES ME!!!", for anyone else looking in its like oh okay.

Me and Charlie got very serious very quickly and I sort of love that, I think we both just knew and I'm honestly so much happier. Yes I post about how wonderful we are together as a thing of yes I got shit together, that doesn't mean we don't argue to the point I don't want to look at him, it doesn't mean we don't have our issues. I love him with all my heart but I've learnt a lot about being in a relationship....Unfortunately its not all rainbows and unicorns. Its tough shit that we really had to muddle through.

Here's some things I've learnt over the last seven months, some good and some bad.

Space is OKAY! |
I am a person that loves to spend time with people they love. I cant help it and I am fully aware that I am too much for people sometimes. I guess I have a fear that if I don't see people a lot, well I sort or worry that they won't like me anymore. I think it took me a few months to get used to the idea that it was okay for me and Charlie to have some space. If I'm feeling a little meh then I'll just be like nope I need some me time tonight, and vice versa. I love him with all my heart but I think some space does us good sometimes. Then it makes the time we do have together a lot more special.

Arguments are normal |
Arguments are something that I actively try to avoid, I hate arguing because to me it's the worst outcome to a situation. I just always see red if I argue, I worry that that's it for a friendship or anything else. Me and Charlie have little tiffs but when we argue I honestly think that our relationship is going to end. After several of the arguments and a chat with chummy I've learnt that it is okay. I explained to charlie that this is all new to me, he's been in other relationships before so hes used to the argument's in relationships but this is all still very new to me. I think I have just finally realised that its okay to argue and its actually healthy to argue.

Compromise is key |
This is something that maybe has been the hardest one for me, I think we have both really needed to learn that compromise is key to our relationship. We both have to do things that maybe aren't the other ones cup of tea but I think we need to learn that sometimes for the good of the other person we really need to work on this. If there is one thing that we have learnt it that we need to start thinking about what we're doing and if its making the other happy or what effect it is having on them.

Appreciate the little things |
The little things like cuddles while we watch the TV, the little forehead kisses, the way he looks at me like no one else in the world matters. All these little things and more are the things I love the most. I think it is vital to take time and appreciate the little things about each other or the little things we do for each other. For instance Charlie knows I don't like driving so he does all the driving in this relationship and its something I'm really grateful for because he knows it stresses me out. He also knows exactly what I need when I pop on the "I don't need anyone, just leave me alone" attitude. He knows all I need in those teary moments is just to be cuddled so tight that I can't breathe, because in that moment I feel safe. I feel so secure knowing that the man I love is there and it's all going to be okay.

The amount of times I have to say something |
Moving on from that heartfelt section, time for the amount of times I have to say something to him. Oh good god I don't know if this is with all men but for all the men in my family and now charlie, well I have to say something so many bloody times before it recognises in his brain that there are in fact words coming out of my mouth and I'm not just moving my mouth. He has got a lot better with this little issue but I think its just something all men have, the incapability to actually listen to a woman the first time she says something.

You will become a version of them |
I have just become a little version of charlie because good god I now speak like him, I even blood think like him sometimes. I can't help it. I think I just spend that much time with him that I have just adapted so many of his mannerisms and its just slightly funny, like two odd little peas in a pod.

He was worth the wait |
No matter how many tiffs we have, or how many times I have to ask him to move his shoes so I don't break my neck in the middle of the bloody night.......He was worth the wait. I spent a good year talking to people that we just vile humans, only ever after one thing. I thought I needed that, I thought I needed a mans approval and the minute I stopped like nope I don't need this. Then charlie popped up, this floppy haired man full of nerves and looking so casual when I first met him. 

Yes the first time we met was at Tescos after two weeks of non stop talking and 3 hour phone calls and face times each night. I didn't know I needed him, I didn't know i wanted him and then it clicked. I was pretty sure of him even before I met him, the moment I met him I was sure. This is the man I want to grow old with, argue with so much passion with, have babies with and just bumble through life with. I made a lot of mistakes before Charlie but he was worth all that, what I thought was heartbreak was nothing in comparisons. The idea of losing Charlie breaks me and I hope we last for an awfully long time.

Wednesday, 31 January 2018

Seperate Lives | It Works For Me

Hello lovelies,
Recently I've had a few comments that its like I'm living two separate lives and I agree. I have my work life and then my life at home with the people I love. I think I might be happy with that. I'm fully aware that I have my own bubble outside of the workplace but I have to detach from it all.

Last year I struggled a lot with trying to keep a good balance, trying to stay afloat when it felt like I was constantly drowning in everything. The one part of this that I would change is I would have chummy more involved in the happy at home side of things. The rest of the work stuff can stay there. Work isn't something that makes me happy but it is a necessity if I want to be able to earn money. Since I've tried the whole idea of keeping them separate works become a little better.

I wasn't aware of the separation before but now that I am aware of it, it makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to switch off or switch between the two lives very easily for me. This year I am determined to have a better balance, to regain myself back. I lost a part of me for so long and I need to get her back. I need to get back to what I love. Currently I'm spending my night writing, editing and listening to my favourite songs and getting lost in my own work again. I've missed this so much. I've missed the moments where I can switch off from the world, put on my headphones and just write.

I think I let everything take over last year. I went through the darkest period in my life, I came out of it and I'm happy about that. After that I got into a relationship that got pretty serious pretty quickly and I'm so thankful for that......but I didn't make sure I had time just for me. Time to process just how far I had come, to look at the ups and downs and sort of see the weird journey I had been on. I'm getting my time back, I'm making time for things that make me happy. Things that only I do. Not an activity for me and charlie, to a family thing or not a chummy thing. Just me. Just me and my own little world. The me that throws on my pyjamas, scrags her hair back into a messy bun, grabs a mug of tea, pops on her favourite songs and just gets on with writing and immersing herself in a world of her own creation.

I'm finally getting back to my old self and I love it. I'm my own person again and I love it, I love that I have that spark back. That passion has re-ignited in me and I'm ready to do exactly what I love again. My two worlds may be separate but I love it, I love the fact that for the first time in ages I'm back to my old self again.

Monday, 8 January 2018

Am I Still Me? |

Hello lovelies,

Lately it sort of hit me that I'm very much a two now. I love being a two, having someone to share everything with. To go on little adventures with and to plan my future with. The other day however it hit me. Am I too immersed in the "Us" and "We" bubble that I've lost who I am a little bit? I honestly don't know. I just miss certain little things that I used to do a lot. I think I was so used to it being just me for so long that its hard for me to adapt, lately I've had to adapt very quickly and I think it's just hit me a little bit more than it should have done if I'm honest.

If I'm honest with you I just think I'm stuck in my ways a little bit. I have always been a person that likes to be very "I got this" and I like to pay my own way. Charlie treats me like a princess and I'm not used to that. H would do anything for me and I think I'm just programmed not to trust men. This is proving an issue because I trust him with my life. I need to let him in more, I just feel like I can't be a burden. I know I sort of put a lot of my stuff on other people but I just feel like I'll ruin what we have. 

I know I'm still me, I've spoke to charlie about this but I feel like maybe he just thinks I'm being silly. Today I got to get some writing done, I lit a candle and had my fairy lights twinkling. I had chummy round for a little bit and just felt like I was getting a bit of me back. Wiring is something I rarely do anymore and it saddens me that its not a big part of my life anymore. I think I'm just so used to it just being me, my wiring and just being the add on to other peoples lives that its just sort of hit me. I'm not an add on, I'm a massive part of someone else's life and I'm scared that I'm not good enough for him. 

I'm worried its all going to go wrong, that the chunky me that is her weird self, who will happily eat McNuggets in her underwear (Don't judge), will have giggling fits when tickled and is a little bit mentally broken......I'm worried he will get tired of it all. I'm scared to lose the man who I see my whole future with. 

Is this normal to sort of get scared like this? Am I being silly? Oh I don't know, I'm just so aware of what I have that the idea of losing it is scaring me a bit too much.