Myself & Mental Health | Life's Got Bad Again

Hello lovelies,

It's just come to my attention that lately my blog has been very mental health based. This is the only space I can actually speak about everything in my head without feeling like I'm just being the annoying woman with "Problems".

My heads been a fucking mess for months, last month I tried to kill myself. You know no one asks if you're okay. They assume it was a silly thing but no one ever just asks, are you okay?. They say it in general but god forbid you tell them you're struggling mentally. I'm trapped in a world where I just feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. If anyone had bothered to ask me if I was okay, they would know full well that I'm not. They'd know that the suicidal feelings have in no way gone, I'm struggling to get through every single day yet I say nothing. 

In my head I look forward to tiny little events, to everyone else they seem so small and unimportant but to me that's what gets me through a day. Its the feeling that for one small moment in time, the world will stand still and I'll be happy for a small fragment of time. To some people I seem needy and I am. I don't think its wrong to want to see people you enjoy spending time with. 

Without ever admitting it I'm also someone who suffers from paranoia as well. The slightest change in tone, look or things like that send my mind into over drive. I hate it. The feeling like no one wants you around, like you get in the way, feeling like everyone is talking about you. And not because you want them to, when people say in the nicest respect not everythings about you. Yes its not. But my mind can't help jumping to conclusions, I won't apologise for paranoia because its a part of my personality. 

For me, the worst thing about having mental health problems is everyone, and I mean everyone just assumes I'm attention seeking or "just sad". Do you know how hard it is when you have a moment when you were happy but its like a cloud of darkness rushes over you. You go quiet to process it and to try and get out of it, you're whole body feels different because your mind has gone black and a wave of depression hits. They assume you annoyed at them, they assume you're just in a bad mood, they assume the worst. That's whats the worst thing for me, just because you cant see whats going on in my head does not mean its not there. 

Leading off of that, that's why I have scars. Sometimes its a way to get that pain out of my head and body, it doesn't hurt but it takes the pressure off. People see the scars and assume that I'm just attention seeking. I'm not. If anything that should be a sign of a cry for help that you know you cant get. No one ever asks how I am mentally. If someone has a cold or breaks their leg you as how they're doing and feeling. Does anyone do that for mental health, like fuck do they!

I don't know what my point was with this. I'm angry and I'm upset and I'm sorry but I can't speak to anyone about mental health without an eye roll. Its not even intentional but do you know how degrading it is if you say you're struggling and you get that. It makes me feel like shit, like I should push the feeling away and try and just cope. 

I cant anymore and I shouldn't have to. Its a lonely place in my head, it hurts and that's why I just give up. I give up trying to find the happiness. I smile and laugh but that doesn't mean I'm okay. That means I'm just very good at pretending.

Latest Song Obsessions |

Hello lovelies,

Music is a big thing in my world. For me it says what I can't. It helps me, calms my mind and lately there have have been some songs that I've just become obsessed with. I thought I'd share some of these with you.

Secret love song | Little Mix 

I'm not sure why but I'm loving this song so much lately. I just love the lyrics and its just my go to song to have a good sing along to.   

Oh Diane | Fleetwood Mac

If you know me, you'll know that my obsession with this iconic band is very strong. This song has been on my obsession list lately. I've always liked it but lately I've been loving it, its just a really good  feel good song. My favourite line from this song is "Love is like a grain of sand, slowly slipping through your hand".

She's got no time | Keane 

The hopes and fears album has been top of my list over the last few weeks and this song just spoke to me. Not sure why, it just sounds so perfect. Its just a really good song to chill out to, also I love the lyrics to this. My favourite line is "And she can hardly breathe without you"

Running through rivers | Carrie Hope Fletcher

I hadn't listened to this in sooooooooooo long. It popped back into my head a few weeks ago and its been playing non stop. 

Could've been | Rhys Lewis 
This song just speaks to me. I deleted most of the stuff about a little situation I was once on, it needed to be done. Sometimes I still feel it though, I still ache for knowing that I lost someone so perfect to someone who was that for them. This song is just so beautiful and its been one I've been pouring my heart out to. This is by far my favourite line from the song "It could've been me
I could've been with you"

Hawaiian roller coaster ride | LILO and Stitch
A little more of a feel good and I just love it. Lilo and stitch is such an underrated Disney film and its such a shame. I love this song, its one that I like to listen to on the way to work to get me set up for a fun day, well a mediocre day.

Wish you were here | Pink Floyd 
One that just speaks to me. We all know I was probably born in the wrong decade, I love artists from the 60's and 70's. Just the line "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl". Perfection. Like I love songs now but it seems like lyrics years ago seemed so much more soul catching.

The cure | Lady Gaga
Oh Gaga. A woman that is a lyrical genius. I fell in love with this song the moment I first heard it. I feel like I am very into the lyrics because I crave someone to do this to me, now that sounds very odd but the lyrics "I will fix you with my love". I crave that. I want someone to just fix the mess I am, but its me that will fix me. The words mean something else but I'm really going for the whole idea that I can fix myself. I can't I'm just going round in circles trying to make myself a little more sane, I'll be my own cure.

Teeth | Lady Gaga

Another Gaga classic. I don't know why I'm obsessed with this but I sort of forgot how much I love it.  Like its an odd one to be obsessed with but I don't know, I mean to me it just sounds a little sexual and apparently I'm rather into the sexual songs lately. 

Well I hope you liked this little look into my latest song obsessions.

Disneyland | 10 Days

Good morning lovelies,

As many of you will know, I'm back off to Disneyland very soon. In fact I now only have 10 glorious, yet busy, days until I got back to the place where dreams come true. Now I'm on my break and I'm feeling a little inspired, I wanted to take this time to talk to you about some of the plans I have and what I plan on taking with me.

Food |

Last time I visited the park I actually didn't eat that much, that's quite shocking considering I'm a lady that likes my food. Because I'm staying on site I get the half-board meal plan. Last time that meant that I got a voucher for money off my dinner and a snack voucher to use between 3-6pm. I'm pretty sure that's still the case this year so I plan to make the most out of that. If not I'm just planning a lot of barbecue lays, that's a big deal if you know my obsession with them.

Money |

Last time I think I over spent just a smidge, *whispers* only about €400. Now this year I'm turning £300 into euros. I don't plan on spending that much, I just like to have enough in case I see something I adore. I have my eye on a few decorative things which may end up on the train back with me. 

Rides |

This time I'm going with my mum, she's not one for rides because of her back. I do want to do some rides though, the tea cups are a definite because last time they were closed. I want to to do some of the rides that I didn't manage to do last year. I'm not actually to fussed about the rides but while I'm there I want to make the most of them. 

Characters |

The main reason I love the Disney parks, characters. My life feels a little more complete when I've met Minnie Mouse. I was lucky enough to meet quite a few last year, however because it's the 25th anniversary of the park, a lot more characters are being spotted. Characters that are rarely seen are out and about and I'm hoping to meet them. This year I want to meet characters from Aladdin, Moana and I have my heart set on finding Daisy. Obviously I know it's just the luck on the day, I just really fancy meeting some of my favourite Disney characters.

Ears |

Minnie ears are like built in when I go. Obviously I'm taking my light up pair that chummy got me because they are special to me. The pair I had for my first proper trip there. Plus it's a way of having my chummy with me in our favourite place. I also got two more pairs of ears from imagineearsuk. It's an easy site and the ears are stunning. I treated myself to a pair of 25th anniversary ears, they are a stunning shade of blue, silhouette of Tink and have a sparkly bow. I also got a pair to show my love for one of my favourite Disney ladies, the one and only Mary poppins. They are stunning, the have a picture of her on one ear and have the tape measure on the other that reads "practically perfect in every way".

I can't wait for my trip, when I'm at home I'll add some pictures to this post but for now I hope you enjoyed this little look at what I'm thinking right now about my trip.

Lots of love,

Chloe xxxxy

Hey! | Me again...

Well hello there, long time no see. Now I put up a little post last weekend and it was a little hard hitting. I'm think I'm finally getting there and life just seems a little bit more cheery. Now I stopped the YouTube and the blog. YouTube felt like it was t going anywhere and I was just frustrated with the upload times. Now I'm getting back into it. I want to start vlogging again but they won't be long, I don't want to put that much pressure on them. 

I'll be uploading a lot more, I'm distancing myself for a few people. Not in a spiteful way, in a "I need to make myself happy" way. For too long I've been allowing people to turn tables on me, acting like I'm the one in the wrong, granted I'll take blame but it's mentally destroyed me having all that on me. Basically I'm not allowing people to control my life anymore, they don't even mean to do it but it's sad that that were sort of the reason I tried to end it. That's just a little heart breaking.

Now life's not all doom and gloom. I'm fully embracing the side of me that people make out to be bad, apparently I just jump from man to man. You know what, yes I do. I only talk to them, then I see that that persons a prick and move on. After one person, well why should I wait around because other people make me feel like a slut. It's not like I'm sleeping with every single man, even if you do, there's nothing wrong with that. You want sex, go get it. As long as it's two consenting adults, why the fuck not. I picked some random guy off tinder to show my friends to be like this is the one.......nope. That wasn't true at all, I sort of felt like they'd judge so I let them have that one. In matter of fact it's someone completely different and I'm just taking my time, I'm learning all about a new person and it's nice. It's nice to do that, granted they all think I'm just jumping from man to man, I'm not. I've had a few dates with people but currently I'm getting to know a new human, learning little things about them, what makes them tick, what annoys me about them and all stuff like that. It's nice. I know I shouldn't have lied, I guess I'd rather people think I'm jumping from different people while I actually learn about a new person, so far so good. You know, some people will read this with an eye roll and I get it, however I'm an adult. I didn't want to lie but I also just wanted to not put pressure on it, I guess I wanted people to think oh she's not being so picky this time. We all have a type and that's not a bad thing.

Now I'm currently tucked up in bed, I think I've got the flu but I should be okay. I'm also feeling like I'm going to ask to drop back to four days. Like four days on full days so the hours are the same. I just need that extra day to focus on my online life. It's where I'm my happiest and works just taking away so much time that I should be spending on it. 

I think that's it from me, well for now anyway. I'm going to be doing like a Disney prep post and also a few new things from me. Life just seems like it all got too much, its time to clear that now. Forgot about it and just start a fresh. I came so close to the edge that I want to go back, take a massive step back and just take my time with life right now.

See you all soon,

Love Chloe, 

Xxx

A New Day |

Hello lovelies,

Ummmmm well how do I start this. Well if some of you read my posts religiously, not that anyone does, you may know that Saturday was a bad day. A bad day putting it very easy breezy but it wasn't the best for me. I'm not going to sit here and preach to you that I'm okay, I'm far from that but I'm getting there.

It's a new day. Its a brand new day to wipe away the tears, put everything down and take time for me. I've spent my day watching Disney films on a loop, it may seem like a waste of a day to you, for me, well for me it has been the best. I was meant to be tidying the shit tip of a bedroom that I have, instead I just wanted to take the day to make myself feel pampered. I did my make up, made my self feel stunning and sat and watched all my favourite films. 

I'm heading out in a minute shopping and I just need to grab a few bits before my trip to Disney. I'm going with chummy, now this weekend was tense between us. I think I've learnt now that for me to feel okay, I just need to not worry about other people and just say what I think. That may sound bitchy but I think for my own sanity I just need to. I also really just want to plan something with L. I need to see him and just have a good catch up. I haven't seen him in months, to him that's not a big deal but to me....well to me it feels like a life time. I think I just need a good laugh and some wise words, something he is very good at.

Anything else? Hmmm let me think. I don't think I wanted to say anything else, oh I know! A massive thank you to my best friend Lou, I don't know how I would have coped this weekend without her. I honestly don't and its clear we need more people like her in the world. So thank you, so much.