Monday, 8 January 2018

Am I Still Me? |

Hello lovelies,

Lately it sort of hit me that I'm very much a two now. I love being a two, having someone to share everything with. To go on little adventures with and to plan my future with. The other day however it hit me. Am I too immersed in the "Us" and "We" bubble that I've lost who I am a little bit? I honestly don't know. I just miss certain little things that I used to do a lot. I think I was so used to it being just me for so long that its hard for me to adapt, lately I've had to adapt very quickly and I think it's just hit me a little bit more than it should have done if I'm honest.

If I'm honest with you I just think I'm stuck in my ways a little bit. I have always been a person that likes to be very "I got this" and I like to pay my own way. Charlie treats me like a princess and I'm not used to that. H would do anything for me and I think I'm just programmed not to trust men. This is proving an issue because I trust him with my life. I need to let him in more, I just feel like I can't be a burden. I know I sort of put a lot of my stuff on other people but I just feel like I'll ruin what we have. 

I know I'm still me, I've spoke to charlie about this but I feel like maybe he just thinks I'm being silly. Today I got to get some writing done, I lit a candle and had my fairy lights twinkling. I had chummy round for a little bit and just felt like I was getting a bit of me back. Wiring is something I rarely do anymore and it saddens me that its not a big part of my life anymore. I think I'm just so used to it just being me, my wiring and just being the add on to other peoples lives that its just sort of hit me. I'm not an add on, I'm a massive part of someone else's life and I'm scared that I'm not good enough for him. 

I'm worried its all going to go wrong, that the chunky me that is her weird self, who will happily eat McNuggets in her underwear (Don't judge), will have giggling fits when tickled and is a little bit mentally broken......I'm worried he will get tired of it all. I'm scared to lose the man who I see my whole future with. 

Is this normal to sort of get scared like this? Am I being silly? Oh I don't know, I'm just so aware of what I have that the idea of losing it is scaring me a bit too much.

Tuesday, 2 January 2018

Fresh Start | A New Daydreamer

Hello there,
Last year I let this blog slip. When I say slip, I mean I let it fade away into something I was no longer proud to say I owned. This year however I want it to be new. I want it to be a re-invention. I'll do a summary of last year for you in a second but the eagle eyed viewers may have noticed some of my content has disappeared. Yep, its gone. Well it's in my drafts but it won't be returning to your screens

I had this conversation with Charlie and he understood where I was coming from. If you compare my life from the first half of the year to the last three months, I'm a completely different woman. I've been back through my tweets and I've deleted quite a lot, its not about deleting my past. It's about starting fresh, bringing professional daydreamer back to what it used to be. I used to be so proud of the world I had created and I am deeply sorry that I used it as a way to spread my own un-happiness.

Today's been a bit of a day of reflection. Life's been drastic this past year. I've lost what I thought I wanted, but I gained the love of my life. It makes everything else seem unimportant. The silly dates and shit that went wrong. It all went wrong for a reason. The reason? The man that's got his arm around me while I'm sat in his sisters lounge having some full on family time and seeing in the new year with people I now adore. Life seems pretty sweet right now, I'm being immersed in family time and I love it, I mean I feel guilty about it. It seems like me becoming part of another family means I'm doing something wrong, how though? I'm running around playing with all the toys the boys got from Santa, there used to me and I love that they're asking me to play with them and showing me things.. He's grounded me. He's made me realise that life is worth so much more. I love him with everything I have and I now can't imagine my life without him.

Friendships have maybe been a little strained this year. I feel like I've lost one but I'm sure he'll come back soon. Chummy is still here and I'm so happy with that. We don't get to see each other a lot now days and that makes me sad. I guess we both just have busy lives. Her life more busy than mine. I'm fully aware I've maybe neglecting her a lot lately. I feel awful. I guess I don't want to bug her, I'm aware I'm very full on and I get she's got her own life. I'm stuck between do I want to always be nagging her or just be here when she needs me. I'm a bit lost right now on what to do. I feel like all I'm doing is hurting her, maybe she'd be better off if I just kept out of her life. I think that I just need to take a step back. If she wants me I'm here but she needs to live her own life, one that I feel I'm getting in the way of. It'll be my greatest loss but I think it might be best for her. I'm done with hurting people and dragging them down.

Family life actually seems pretty good right now. Last year was pretty trying for our family, stuff came out that never needed to be shared. Many tears were shed and it was a tough year for me. This year my aim is to focus on my family a hell of a lot more. The family I have and the family I'm becoming part of are all so perfect, I need to make more time for all of that this year.

Work? Well works very worky. Yes worky is now a new word in the professional daydreamers book of made up words. I want to transfer to another store I think. It just seems like none of us get on anymore and it's just causing a lot of stress that doesn't need to be there.

My aims for the year?
Well my aims this year are to be okay. Not happy because for me that's pressure and if I'm not I feel like I've failed. I'll settle for okay and anything else is a bonus. I want to make more time for the ones I love. The tail end of last year I was so happy but mentally struggling. I didn't tell a soul and I'd just been bottling stuff up, I needed to talk but didn't want to burden anyone anymore. I also want to explore and have fun, make memories and just make sure that I make the most out of this year.

The past is finally being left there. Yes it's tough but there's a great big beautiful tomorrow so that's my focus now ☺️.

Well thats all from me today, I'll see you soon for another post. Lets make 2018 the best year so far.

Thursday, 7 December 2017

Blogmas Day 7 | Winter Wonderland

Hello lovelies,
On Sunday me and Charlie headed up to London to Winter Wonderland. Now our last London trip was eventful so this time I was leaving it all up to him, he had full control of the times and everything. It was odd leaving planning to someone else because I like to know exactly what I'm doing.

He had planned the day perfectly, he was ready before me which was nice. We were running 20 minutes ahead of schedule all day and he seemed so proud of himself. Now when we got into London our first stop was Oxford street, Charlie knew I'd want to stop by the Disney store so I was thrilled when I got to drag him around showing him all the cool things I want to get. 

After our little trip to the Disney store he took me to my favourite little bakery, Crumbs and Doilies. We got the most chocolaty cupcake and devoured them on a little bench where we made some annoying pigeon friends.

After our little snack pit stop we headed to Hyde park. Now we were a while away frame tube station, my foot was killing so he got an uber. I'm not the biggest fan of uber after last time but I can safely say this was a good trip. When we got there it was still light but getting dark. Turns out he'd planned it this way, he knew I wanted to be in there too late but I wanted to be in the when it was dark. I know it sounds weird but I think it just looks a little more magical.

We were going to plan some bits but if I'm honest it was just nice to just have a little walk around and enjoy it all. We got a cute little decoration, I got a little ginger bread one and I didn't realise but charlie also got a little penguin one which are both super cute. I really loved just strolling around all cosy in my big coat, scarf and gloves enjoying some festive fun.

I actually really loved my little day out, Charlie had planned it so well and we even had time to go home and watch the Muppet's Christmas carol. I know my time keeping may seem a little weird but I was so happy that he took into consideration that it stresses me out a lot, he had planned the most perfect little day for us and I can't wait for more little adventures.

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Blogmas Day 5 - 6 | I Took A Tumble

Hello lovelies,
Sorry I've been quiet for a few days. I had a little tumble and I've been feeling a little under the weather. On Saturday I had a whole day of hurting myself at work, I slipped, got pushed when my hip locked, stuff fell on me and pretty much any work related thing happened. I got the charlies and the night was going swimmingly, we went down stairs and tripped half way down. Good god the tears starting running down my face and I was in sooooooooooooo much pain. 

Now I've been hobbling along for a few days, my foot is killing me, my ribs hurt and I have a lot of bruises. I still went to winter wonderland because charlie had planned a really lovely day for us. Sorry I didn't post yesterday but I felt very run down and just really needed some down time. Also the other day I got to have such nice little chat with Charlies mum, normally we just go upstairs and watch TV but it was nice to sit with his family and just really get to know them.

That's going to be it from me today, I feel like I'm going to fall asleep and I just reallllllly need to take my mind of a few things at the minute. I'll be back tomorrow hopefully feeling a little better.

Monday, 4 December 2017

Blogmas Day 4 | Gifts For Him

Hello lovelies,

This year I've had to really work out what to get men. I found that for the men in my life the main focus has been around things like Rick and Morty and star wars but I have been finding some really lovely pieces online, I haven't got any of these bits but I think they are really great ideas for Christmas.

Now some of the things are gifts that I got Charlie for his birthday so there wont be any spoilers for him, not that he would read this but just in case.

Scratch Maps |
My boyfriend has been to a lot more places than me and I know he has places he would love to go. I got him this scratch map so when he gets to visit a country or city he can scratch it off, I think this is a cute way to track all the places you've been and what you still have left to do.

Beard Products |
Finally a year that I haven't had to just buy the normal lynx set. There are some really nice gift sets for you're bearded friends that have beard oils and things like that in it. I think these are just really handy and a nice way to be like "I love the beard.......but lets make it more fluffy and tamed". I love Charlies beard, don't get me wrong.....I mean if it got to a Mr.Twit level then I may be concerned but I know he likes beard oils and things like that. Its a good idea if you've got any family or friends who are attempting decent facial hair. This isn't the same one I got, this is much better so this might be a future gift.

Games |
Most men I know have some type of console. There have been a few games released that I know men in family family have their eye on fro Christmas. I feel like a game is always a safe bet, well as long as you get it for the right console. There's a few games my cousin had his eye on and I know he' always thrilled with a new game.

Gadgets |
This is one for men and woman because I love a new gadget to play with but I have found some cool bits and bobs that I know the men in my family will just love. I've seen a candy floss machine that looks pretty cool and I know my cousin would love this, this is under the gadget section so I'll class it. I also saw a cool little magnetic wristband so it would be perfect for my dad when he attempts D.I.Y. Instead of asking mum or me to hand him stuff, he can keep a all screws and alan keys on that instead.

Rick and Morty |
This isn't for everyone but apparently the men in my family love Rick and Morty. I mean I didn't realise my cousin watched it but to my surprise he does. I've seen some really cool comics which may have been added to some Christmas gifts, they also have really cool T-Shirts and the box set will go down nicely I think.

I'm aware this was probably not a great post but these are all things that have seemed good ideas for me.