Saturday, 5 August 2017

Telling My Parents About My Mental Health | Huge Mistake

Hello lovelies,
Now we all know by now that I struggle with stuff in my head. I had enough and knew that the only person that could help me was my aunt. Not in a horrible way because my chummy has been the best, my aunt just gets it because she's been through it. Now I wrote her out a letter telling her everything, the self harm, the suicide attempts any every other little detail you all know. My mum wouldn't stop badgering me this week about what was wrong. I just handed her the letter in tears and said " Look I don't want to talk, if you read it just listen, don't ask me about it and don't tell anyone". Five minutes later my dad knew and they were both outside my door saying I need doctors, saying that we need to talk. What didn't they get about "I'm not ready to talk about this". 

Now I found this picture online, not my own but it sums up how I feel.

I get it was a lot for them but it wasn't meant for them. It was meant for the one woman that I trust with my life, the woman who knows me inside and out. She knows me better than I know myself and she to me, is the voice of reason. I shut myself away and the way my room works is....I have a bolt on my side and a key that works on both sides. I slid the bolt across because I wanted to be on my own. I told them I wanted to be on my own. After telling my mum what had been going on I wanted to hide away from the world. I had my dad smashing on the other side telling me he'd break the door down. Did I need that? No. I went to leave for work, oh yeah I had a shift in the evening so this all happened at the most awkward time. He had locked me in. He had used his key and locked me in there like I was monster. Like I shouldn't be let out. Luckily I had my key so could just let myself out. I put my earphones in and just ran off. I didn't drive because I saw no point, I was in no fit state to be behind the wheel.

I got to work and saw my manager, she looked at me and I started bawling like a baby. Like she normally does, she sent me to the cupboard that has been many a woman shed man a tear. I told her everything and she just cuddled me. She had the reaction I needed. She was calm and knew that that's the way to handle me. I didn't want to bother chummy with it, she was having a nice day with her boyfriend and I knew hearing about her day would cheer me up.

I guess I thought that if I told my parents it would be like the scene on inside out when Riley breaks down and just tells her parents how she feels. They come together as a family unit. Nope, my experience of telling my parents about my mental health was nothing like that. It was messy and now we're not speaking. I told my aunt everything while she was at the zoo today, trying to enjoy her last day on holiday but she was there. She helped me see reason. She did what I needed. She handled in how it should have been handled and I'm just so thankful she's there for me. She said "Bubba you're not mine but you know you're like one of my kids, I'm sorry you've been feeling like this but I understand and we can work this out. When you're ready we can talk. For now pack a bag and when we get home come and stay with us for a bit, love you lots bubba".

I'm now a bit of a mess. I guess mental health has such a stigma attached to it that people don't know how to handle it. I'm just so thankful that my best friend has been so good with me, she's dealt with mood swings, bitchiness that was not needed and still been there. Chummy you are one in a million and I'm sorry I've put you through all this. My aunt, well thank you. Thank you for knowing how I needed this to be dealt with. Thank you for just accepting it and going, yep its okay. Mum and dad, the way you acted makes me not trust you. That's okay. This family has been broken for so long, for so long you put all your worries into the child that did nothing but cause you trouble. If you'd have looked a little closer maybe you might have realised that I needed you and the reason for half this pain was her. 

Anyone else told family and had this reaction? How did you deal with it? I just need to try and make sense of whats happened now. I'll be at my aunts for at least tonight but maybe a bit longer if needs be. I'm just thankful that today my favourite workers were in to cheer me up. I needed them so much today. I needed chummy to just be silly with me, I needed my doe eyed woman to just be her and I needed the guy I work with to be on top from in his playful mood.

Monday, 31 July 2017

I'm Coming Home | Back To Blogging

Hello my lovelies,
It's been very evident that I have been away for a while. While I've been here I haven't really been here fully, I've been focused on real life and trying but failing to make people happy. I'm finally done doing that, my brains a bit too much for the real world and I think its time I focused more on my online world. 

So what's been happening? Well Today I wrote out a letter for my aunt explaining everything, like mental health stuff that I just feel like I can't tell anyone. It feels like I just burden people with it but I feel like if anyone will be able to help, its her. She's my world and I think she's the one who can get me out of this little destructive path I've been on.

I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I just will have a a pretty basis life. Theres nothing wrong with that. I'm finally stopping the quest for Mr Right. I don't really want him now, I want to focus on me. I need to focus on me. Running around looking for someone to love me, someone to cover the cracks just isn't going to help. I get to view a lot of "perfect" couples but that's good for them. I just know realistically I've always been better on my own. I work better alone, I'm more creative and I think in control more. I'm an easily controlled person in an environment of humans but when I'm on my own I can deal with life without having to rely on people which is something I become dependant on.

I guess I'm just a little lost at the minute but by getting back to blogging, it feels like I'm coming home. I'm back to what makes me happy. I can breathe again without fear of judgement because there is always someone out there that gets it. Someone to just sit and pour your heart out to who will just listen. Theres no obligation for them to do it, they just do.

Right now I'm spending my nights snuggled up with books, writing new things, learning new things and just snuggling up to Simba. I'm back now and I want to throw myself back into it like I used to. This was created for a reason and I want to get back to that.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Boobs, Body and Backlash |

Hello lovelies,
Odd post today but I feel like as someone who spends most of my life online I can't shy away from this. I feel like I've made mistakes and sadly some of those do involve my boobs and my body. Before you judge I want you to take the time to read this.

Now its no secret that I like to use tinder. I don't use it for sex, if you do that's great. Good for you. As long as its between two consenting adults then why not? Now I get talking to people, they earn my trust which is something I have to learn not to give out. Being a woman that has very low self esteem means its easy for people to manipulate their way into getting what they want. 

They tell me I'm beautiful, that my size doesn't matter, that they like certain parts of my look. Now I'm sad to admit that a few of those people have wormed there way into what they want. Now I'm ready for my friends to just disown me at the next part but its time to be straight with you. Now a few people have played the you're beautiful, have you got snapchat bullshit. Now I'll chat to them for a while on there, sent stupid pics of me with filters of unicorns, flower crowns and things like that. Then after a while they'll snap me, they asked for pictures of more. I said no, they said please its just between us. They made me trust them, they made me feel confident. They made me feel like there was something between us. Now before the alarm bells ring I have NEVER sent a picture of myself in the nude. But I will admit to you know that I have sent men that have pressured me into it pictures of me in my bra. Now yes I felt pressured but I still took the pictures, I still sent them. 

Now obviously I have learnt from this but I just felt like I needed to share this with you. Basically guys please don't do what I did. Don't allow someone to worm their way in, yes you may have low self esteem but you are perfect, you don't need to have the approval of someone else to feel good about yourself. I just feel ashamed that I allowed people to manipulate me into doing what they wanted, I'm part of the blame though so physically it was my fault but mentally it was theirs. 

There it is. Something I've been keeping from you for a while. I understand if you look at me a little different but as someone who shares their whole life online, well I felt like this was the one thing you all needed to know.....

Saturday, 22 July 2017

A Breath Of Fresh Air |

Hello lovelies,
Well hello there, I've been taking some time away. Did I want to? No, no I did not. I just felt like I wasn't spreading a positive vibe around this place. It needed a tidy up, now that doesn't mean I'm clearing out the parts that are maybe a little personal. I just wanted a few weeks *whispers* (or months) away to just sort some stuff out.

Those who know me will be aware that I can be very up and down with my emotions. After a chat with a lady at work I'm finally realising that it is nothing to be ashamed of. So I take things to heart a little more, I feel a little more emotions that some of the people I surround myself with. It's a blessing and a curse but that's okay. 

Now I had an interview on Monday, sadly the job was glamorised a lot so that's no longer a thing. Saying that, I felt right. I felt like I had my life put together. I wore a lovely black dress from primark, my boots and had a nice bag. I feel like I was going places, like I had everything in order. The next day I went back to work, scragged my hair back into a messy bun. Put on my greasy hat and apron and began work. I don't think I will ever be a success in the world of business and stuff like that. Saying that, I want to feel like that again. 

It is very evident now that at work we have all given up. The heart of us is leaving, our wonderful manager is now leaving us and its killing me. I might not show it but I hate it. Shes the heart and soul of that place and now she's going, well I think now is when we are finally giving up. That does mean that I can start putting a lot more effort into this though. This is just a short post to get back into things. Now I've got a bit of a sort of OTT post to go up, it may make a few of you see me in a different light but I feel like I should share it. In a world of social media, dating sites and god knows what else I just think its time I was a little honest with you and just warn you of how some people sadly are and how they can sort of manipulate people into getting what they want.

Anyway........time for me to go and just get these posts sorted. I'm also hoping to have a nice little facetime later but we shall see what happens.

Monday, 3 July 2017

Hey | Sooooo

Hello lovelies,
Right, lets get down to business (To defeat.....the huns). The weekend just gone was shite. Yes, that shit it became shite. Now I'm not gonna sit and say I'm okay. I'm coping. I actually read the message that Lawson sent me. He's saved my life. I don't think he really gets that. He has. A mix of him and chummy have come together to save me. I can't express to them how because I don't really get it myself.

I guess between them they've just given me that love I needed. Together, the pair of best friends for years have saved me. The third one to their little friendship. I'm gonna just insert the message I got from Lawson. Ill blank out anything that's just between us or anything but maybe then you can see why he's saved me. I owe him my life and yes I don't see him a lot, he just has a way of making the world seem okay.

Message from the best pal |
Dude I don't know what's up but I want you to know that everything will work out whatever it is will work out - something good always comes out of something bad- maybe not right away but eventually you just need to stick it out - times will be hard and thing will get you down but you need to know that things get worse before they get better and if you feel this is the worst part then tomorrow is a new day and will get better and if you wake up tomorrow and don't feel better then you need to believe that it will, there is so much out there in the world, I don't know how you feel but ***************** most of the times you feel like you're stuck in one place and that there is no chance of ever getting out and you're gunna be stuck there forever but by holding on to one string of hope will help you get through it just need to focus and concentrate on what you want and go out and get it- yes it will be hard to do and will take time but it will do be worth it dude I have to believe you know that and will pool all your strength to push past this current state and be the you you need to be not for your parents, or friends or boyfriend or grandparent but for you you're the one that matters most to you and so many different people and dude you know if you want to talk drop me a text or a message and if not me Shannon or someone, he'll write it down in a book scribble it on the walls shout it out but don't bottle it up if something annoys or bugs you let it be known and it will help to clear your head and make things better xx.

That did it. Well that and messages from chummy. Dude you wont see this but I cant thank you enough. Chummy you will see this. We fight, we argue, we don't speak at times but still you're there. Like yesterday, you came and got me and took me away to cry. Considering you don't like tears, I'm thankful. I love you both lots. I've got one little bit of happy back, granted that happy lives a fucking long way away but for now the happy is back. You two bring my happy. I just need to take time and just process things in a different way.